Working Out, Body Issues, and Food.

I've been working out like a fiend and also trying to force myself to stay within my allotted daily target. Most days I do really great, but some days, like today, I do not. I ate WAY TOO MUCH food and all I can give myself props for is tracking it all. Ashamedly, of course. But at least it's there.

I've started trying something new with motivation at the gym. There are many days I don't want to go but the main thing that keeps me motivated is that my anniversary is in less than 4 weeks. May 15th. So I have been telling myself to get to the gym. I bought a dress and it fits, but I want to work on my bat wings and get them a little more firmed up so I've been using that dress as motivation.

Other things that keep me motivated:

1. Brian started his new job and has lost nearly 10 lbs just from going to work everyday.
2. My rule is "just 15 minutes". I force myself to go to the gym for 15 minutes, and if I am not getting into it by the time that is up, I can leave.
3. Summer is on its way and I am determined to go to the pool this year.
4. I really want to go to a convention and cosplay as some of my favorite geeky characters- but, surprise!- none of those bitches are fat, so I best be getting my ass in shape.
5. It's fucking time. I've been over 200 lbs since 2008, so that is FIVE YEARS of being completely miserable and hating my self image. So I keep saying ITS TIME and it helps.

I've been working out like a beast, and I do mean like a BEAST. I try to give it my all whenever I go. I manage about 30-40 minutes on the elliptical most days and even do some strength training sometimes. I sweat A LOT. And one of the most disturbing things I have noticed is the amount of acne I get now. I've always had pretty decent skin. I get pimples like everyone else, but it's never been.... gross. But now, I've been noticing a lot more acne and some of it is really gross. I've started calling them Blimples. Blister-pimples. These occur in places where there is a lot of friction going on and they are big pimples with a head and grossness, but they sort of feel and look like blisters, as well. They are all angry and agitated looking. Does anyone else know what I am talking about, or is it because I am fat and lazy and wtf is wrong with me?  I've noticed them on my chest, probably from my boobs being compressed and hog-tied down by my sports bra, and even found one in crease of my leg where it meets my crotch.

That scared the crap out of me, I thought I had a disease or something. But no, my crotch is just sweaty from running and I've rubbed the area raw from running. Because I am fat and it all rubs together. Beautiful sort of visual, isn't it?

So I am battling this weird self image thing going on, where I feel like a BOSS from working out so much and so hard to constantly wondering if my face is about to erupt like a volcano, and it makes me just want to hide.

I've also been forcing myself to do my hair and makeup most days and get dressed some days and it's really helped with my self image, to feel like a real human instead of that slob-slave thing called "Mom". I also purchased some self-tanner lotion and foam and I am enjoying being tan looking without looking like a carrot or a leather bag. I am very paranoid about skin cancer.

Onto food.... Since Brian started his new job, I've become a full time home cook. Which is almost practically my dream job, minus a kitchen cleaning staff. I prepare awesome delicious meals for Brian, 3 times a day. Yes I make his breakfast, lunch and dinner. EVERY DAY. My kitchen is constantly a wreck and I hate how tiny it is.

Since he works so hard, I try really hard to give him healthy, balanced meals both for his packed lunch and his home meals. This makes me realise just how nasty my own diet is, and how I wish I could incorporate more fruit and veggies into my diet. I am going to have to pull out the Deceptively Delicious cookbook again and start adding more veggies that way. I'm also toying with the idea of gradually going meatless. I keep coming back to it, and wondering if I cut out more meat, would I be willing to eat more veggies and fruit? Can I reset my taste buds, and my thinking process? This obviously requires more planning and research, but I feel I am at that position in my life where I need to be eating more responsibly, both for my health, and Drake's. The little monster always wants what I am eating, so I should be setting an example, right? Right.

I feel like I am at that point in my life where I am actually caring about what happens to my body and the future, so maybe this time is it? Either way, I am not going to give up, because I am tired of starting over.

My New Full Time Job

Since Brian got in at GM, I've taken on a full time job as well. Housekeeping. Ugh.

I've never been a clean person but I am not absolutely disgusting, either. If I had to place myself on a grading scale where "A" was "OCD/Magazine Photoshoot" and "F" was "Hoarders", I'd rank probably a C-minus. I'm not a hoarder, but I could definitely step up my game.

Brian scoots off to work at 5:45 in the morning. That is butt-crack of dawn early for me. I am struggling to get used to the schedule, though Brian has adapted pretty well. I am assuming it's because of the following:

5:00 - Wake Brian.
5:15- Make Brian's lunch and breakfast, simultaneously.
5:30- Remind Brian of any important things he needs to do today.
5:45- Brian leaves, I head back to bed.
6:00- Pass out.
7:00- Rugrat awakens.
7:15- Breakfast for Drake. Usually in the form of some sort of cereal and a piece of peanut butter toast tossed onto his booster seat tray, which is on the floor, while I put on Blue's Clues.
7:30- Simultaneously suck down a cup of coffee and nod off.
10:30- Naptime! YAY! I pass out again.
12:00- Awaken. Regrettably, on my part.
12:15- Lunch. Usually in the form of some sort of sandwich for Drake, and a Weight Watcher meal for me. Which Drakes eats most of, as he has no interest in his own food.
12:30- Suck down some sort of caffeinated beverage. More Blue's Clues.
1:00- Rejoice that only 2 hours until Brian comes home from work.
1:01- Panic that nothing is thawed for dinner.
2:00- Start some semblance of dressing child and self. So far we have lounged around in pajamas all day.
2:45- After wrestling with an angry toddler and getting exasperated, I give up. Good enough. I look like a cross between a soccer mom and a librarian, mixed with a tad of crack whore. Fantastic.
2:50- Panic that Brian will be home; pick up living room.
3:00- Brian comes home. Hug him and sob, thanking him for all his hard work up taking care of Drake every morning until now.
3:15- Start dinner
3:30- Share baby's exploits and adventures with Brian.
4:30- Dinner time.
5:00- Father/Son time. AKA Mommy's about to lose her shit, so you take care of him while I go cry myself to sleep
7:00- Drake's bedtime.
8:00- Husband/Wife time AKA play different video games until Brian goes to bed.
10:00- Brian's bedtime. I usually cuddle with him until he falls asleep.
10:30- Get ready to go to the gym
12:00- Come home, high on endorphins
12:01- Decide to clean everything.
3:00- Finish cleaning. Decide to stay awake to make sure Brian gets up at 5. Play Skyrim until then.


Repeat.

I have discovered two things: 1) I get approximately 5 hours of sleep, spread out over a day and 2) This shit is HARD.

Props to stay at home mommas who have been able to keep their shit together this long. No wonder most of them seem bitter on the internet. I am determined not to be one of them, but it's probably already happened. I am just glad that Brian gets home at 3 so that means there is still plenty of daylight left in which we can go to the park or something. Unfortunately, it's been storming all week. Sigh.

Drake went down for a nap right before I started typing this, so I am going to go take a nap and wake up drowning in my own drool. How's that for a visual?

Catching Up

Brian started in at GM on Monday. So far, he's only sat through two days of orientation. Today will be his first day on the production line. I've been waking up early with him, making him breakfast and also packing a lunch for him as well.

It's been a little rough on all of us, rearranging our schedules, but in the end it's so worth it. Brian works 6:30 am to 3:00 pm and that is fantastic. It means he gets to spend evenings with us and I can cook him dinner every night.

So far we are deciding what schedule would be best for me to work, and over the next week or two I am only going to work the bare minimum just until I figure out what works for us best.

Drake wore shoes for the first time today, and only cried for 10 or 15 minutes with them on before he got the courage to walk in them. We played outside a little bit today too, but he mostly just stood and whined about having shoes on.

I chopped off all of my hair. It's a short (chin length) asymmetrical cut and I really like it, but everyone else thinks its too short. But I don't really mind. I like how short it is- it dries in about 30 minutes and I have to just put a bit of mousse in and I look fabulous all day in my pjs.

I went to the gym tonight for the first time in about a month or so. Maybe longer. I brought along my iPad and just watched part of The Hobbit while I was on the elliptical. I managed 40 minutes until my back started hurting pretty badly, but that was still 1.75 miles, so I was quite pleased with my pace and my time, all things considered.

Brian and I have been talking about trying for another baby, but he said that he doesn't want to try until I get in shape and lose some weight, and I agree. I've had baby fever for a while now, at least a month or two, and I would love to add to our family. This is fantastic inspiration because I would love to be able to do things the proper way this time. You know, avoiding the whole c-section and anemia and blood transfusion thing. Also, we need a bigger place. I've set a goal weight for before trying for another baby, and I want to lose 50 lbs. I will do it, because I feel it's a great inspiration. So much more than myself at this point.

Speaking of babies, the little one has awoken and I better go get him.