Do The Cry Baby

So I checked my calendar today. No wonder I am angry, emotional and stuffed my face with donuts this morning (hey- I tracked them, can I get points for that?)

It's my lady time. 

I absolutely hate this time of the month as I get so stupid irrational. 

I have to fight with myself not to just go ape shit. I think very carefully about what I am going to say before I say it, because I definitely have that "snarky" tone today. I'm also feeling a little passive-aggressive. I'm not really that way. 

So I watched that little video there and it made me laugh. Just hope that it lasts. I'm off to go see Brian at work and spend some time with him on his lunch break. 

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck xo

The Monster Within

My mom wrote about this subject over here.

This week.. is that week. Hooo boy, yes it is.


Tuesday was aquacise and I couldnt figure out why I was so unmotivated, depressed, and I didnt want to go. I just wanted to get it DONE with.

I even yelled at my gramma to go home BYE (sorry Gramma...)

Then I went home and ate. Then ate. And ate some more.

Wednesday... My mom with her graceful ways asks if I have been working too much and I say, snarky, no not at all, I wish I could.

Few moments later... Why? Am I sounding mean?

Yes... Yes you are just a little bit.

Hmm.. I will try better. I just cant get out of this funk.

Thursday......

I just wanted to curl up and die. Or sleep a lot. I could not get over how depressed I was. For no reason. I was boo hoo ish and wanted to cuddle hubby all day long, but I didnt want him to touch me. Or talk to me. So I ignored that for the most part.

When I went to bed early (midnight) the thought of going to bed ALONE made me so sad, I almost broke down in tears. So I slept on the couch, next to hubby. Sure he would have gone to bed with me if I had asked. But I couldn't. I had lumpy-throat-on-the-verge-of-tears syndrome.

Today

Today is going well so far. I slept til 12.30pm and have only been up for 20 minutes. I have not yelled at anyone or anything. I woke up alone (like usual, hubby's at work) and I didnt break down and cry. Though I did hug his pillow tight and smell it... Then fell asleep.

Today is his birthday. I want to make him something special for dinner because he's worth it!

Also I am going to try to be semi-human at the very least today. Maybe take a Xanax. I guess I really do need them.

No I didnt ride my 6.2 miles yesterday. I didnt even look at my bike and it sits in my living room. Wave to it! Hi bike! I see you look a little dusty! Maybe my butt will wipe it off today!
Yes I did a load of laundry. One. Still counts, right?


Todays goals:

Get dressed. Do hair, makeup the works.
Ride a freaking mile.

They seem a little far fetched as I am reading them now and they are daunting. But thats okay.