A Picture May Say 1,000 Words

But this one of me appears to be screaming them instead.

This is the only picture that came out of the trip my husband and I took to go to Chicago.  There I am, on the left, Brian, and his brother Justin and his girlfriend Sabina. 

I am absolutely miserable in this picture. I feel fat, bloated, gross, disgusting, ugly, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty. Just to name a few. 

Upon some self-reflection, I did a brave thing and signed up for Weight Watchers meetings as well as the online. So I have both of them now, for $43/month. I think it was worth it. The meeting was packed, full of different types of people, both women and men, young and elderly, bigger and smaller. It was great!

I have my official weigh in from Wednesday: 244.2 lbs. Here's to new beginnings.

Emotions

Last night, we were watching Biggest Loser season 11. They were showing the eliminated contestant and how they were doing. One part of the segment had a little boy on it, saying how proud he was of his father and how much he looked up to him now. The kid couldn't have been older than 7.

I look over at Brian and he has his head in his hands. At first, I thought he had a head ache but then I realized he was shaking..he was crying.

I asked him what was wrong. "Nothing....nothing's wrong." He didn't want to talk about it any, but I didn't let up. I kept asking him if something had happened. "It's just... I'm going to be a father. I am so happy. I can't wait."

Then he put his head on my shoulder, and his hand on my belly. Drake pushed against him. Brian sobbed harder. "I hope I am a good father."

"You're already a great father. You know how I know? 8 months ago, we didn't want kids. Now, you point out babies to me and tell me how excited you are. You cry when you see little boys mention how proud they are. You are a fantastic husband. There is no doubt in my mind."

We sat like that for a while. Him, with tears flowing down his cheeks. Me, with a big goofy grin on my face.

They say a woman becomes a mother when she becomes pregnant. A man becomes a father when he holds his child for the first time. To me, Brian just proved them wrong.


I couldn't be luckier.

Roller Coaster

They say pregnant women are crazy with a capital C. One minute all sweetness and sugar, the next ready to rip your head off with the only thing handy (which happens to be a pencil sharpener).

I don't think that this is necessarily true.

I don't fly off the handle any more than I used to. (They gave me medicine for that!)

I do cry a lot more. At the most random times. It feels a lot like depression to me.

I have a hard time getting out of my funk once I get in them.

Even ducks don't make me laugh... at least right away.

Speaking of ducks....

We are naming our son Drake.

Which means... uhm... DUCK.

My dog has a giant rubber green duck that he plays with and we call it Duck Duck.

Now we've started teasing, calling it Drake Drake.

See what I mean? One minute I'm talking depression, the next I'm giggling over ducks.

Ah, I'm just going to go lay down for a bit. And dream about ducks. While Max eats the face off of his.

I don't know what to make of this blog any more. I mean, it was always a healthy living/weight loss blog with just a little bit of everything else thrown in.

I dont know what to write about any more. I'm obviously not trying to lose weight now that I am pregnant and I am still trying to eat better, especially more now that I am expecting. It's so weird. I feel like I have lost part of my identity. Just hang with me while I try to figure out who this new person is. Not just the one growing inside of me, but the mother I have to become.

Being a mom is something I am ... not looking forward to. I don't know if I will be a 'good' mom or not. I know I will try my hardest to be. What is a good mom? Is a good mom someone who is a great example or is she just someone who provides the best she can, with all the love she can?

I don't know. Maybe both. I'll have to figure it out. I never planned on having children this early, and this pregnancy came at a very difficult time financially. I will just have to do the best that I can do with what I have. I know that everything- in the end- will be alright. I just pray that I am doing the right thing now.

I still havent seen a doctor, and I can't until we get insurance. I just don't have the money to go. But that's okay. I'm focused on health(ier) eating, and taking my prenatal vitamin, drinking lots of water, and getting rest. The exercise I am not doing so well on. Like usual, its hard to multi-task for me. I find my appetite these days lacking, and feeling full faster, and usually nauseous after. I don't vomit, but I do feel really queasy and have to lay down for a while. I tried eating more often, and smaller meals, but somedays it's all I can manage to eat once. I do drink lots of water to stay hydrated. I have been steady at 223 lbs. anywhere from 223-224 for the last week or so, and that's good. I read in Your Pregnancy: Week by Week if a woman is obese she should only gain 15-20 lbs for the pregnancy. I am aiming for the low end (15) since I am already on the high end of obesity, but I won't know for sure until I can get into the doctor. This is why choosing what to eat now is so important. I have to pick healthy foods now, especially since I am not feeling so great, until I am told how much to gain.

I feel like part of me is missing, or maybe it's just become something else? I'm trying hard to figure out what that might be. I don't know. I feel blah... and icky... and... lots of other things. I'm very scared.

I know I'll be alright though, logically. Women have been having babies since the dawn of time, and I am sure if an animal can care for its offspring I will be able to, too. I just got to keep telling myself that.

Brian has today off, and I think I will ask him kindly if he will bring in all the baby stuff so I can take pics of it and upload it. How does that sound? Cheerful, right? Baby clothes make me happy. It will be a picture heavy post, so I am warning you now... better put aside a few moments to look at it all.