Romance

I've never been a typical woman/girl when it comes to romance. I don't necessarily buy into all the things that are considered to be "romantic". Here's a list of things that you should- or more accurately, should not- do to impress me. Since I am married now, most of these don't apply any more, just some casual observations I made while I was dating. Although a lot of them do still apply, rejection takes the form of "Not tonight" instead of "I'm tossing you outside naked and letting my dog shit all over your clothes."

Do Not: 

• Buy me flowers. Ugh. As if I need more dead crap in my house. I'm going to leave that intentionally vague.
• Sing to me. Whether its a song you wrote yourself or you are doing kareoke, I don't care, okay? (See what I did there?) It just makes me uncomfortable having to pretend I like your singing.
• Play an instrument. See Point 2. I don't like being put on the spot to tell you how wonderful you are at <insert instrument here>. I'm not interested in stroking your ego. Oooor anything else for that matter.
• Write me poetry. UGH. I don't even like reading poems by famous poets so please, let's just move on.
• Tell me how "hotttttt" or "sexxxxxxy" I am. You will get ignored at best, laughed at and brutally made fun of at worst. Don't risk it.
• Ask me if I want to watch a chick flick, TV, or any sort of movie for a "date night". The answer will always be no. (I'm notoriously stubborn and/or picky about what I watch. It has to be my idea and on my terms. Usually I go without.) If we HAVE to watch a movie, make it a geeky comic movie. 
• Buy me drinks. I don't really do bars anyway, so you won't likely find me there. 
• Ask me to cuddle. Whether its in bed or on the sofa or whatever, just... don't. I like my personal space without you in it.

Do:

• Buy me Diet Mountain Dew when I am out. 
• Buy me a Reese's (or twelve) if you really want to get lucky.
• Let me cook for you. Stroke MY ego.
• Buy me food. Preferably cheese fries.
• Let me be first player instead of second player.
• Let me take a nap. You don't even have to cuddle. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't.
• Use cheesy pick up lines on me. They make me laugh and that is a better way to get me to sleep with you
• Buy me new kitchen gadgets
• Make bad jokes. The worse the better.
• Hold me while I sob over fictional characters
• Tell me what a great mom/wife I am.
• Buy me video games/video game related merchandise. 
• Buy me books.

So yep, there you have it. When I see that my friends are all like "ohhh my boyfriend/husband/fiance is so sweet he got me flowers!!!?@?!@@34234@#$@%#WERWERETWE^$%Y^$Y!!!!"

I'm over here like... 

"Brian? Go buy me a candy bar."

*He leaves and comes back with a Reese's.*

"you're the best husband ever!" *Smooch*

And that is how romance is done in the Farrar Household.