The New Schedule

Tuesday is Brian's first day at the new store. Usually he has Tuesdays and Thursdays off but this week, he has Wednesday and Thursday off, which means I need to rearrange my work schedule. Not a big deal, but not exactly what I wanted to do. He's also working Saturday mornings. Saturdays are crazy lucrative at his current store, so hoping that the new store will also be the same way.

I'm excited about this new opportunity. I hope that he is able to make at least the same as he was at the other store, but other than that I think it's great he will be closer to home. It will really save on gas money. (Although, since we got the new car, we've put $0 of our own money in for gas. That's pretty awesome.) We might even come out ahead and make a profit on gas money. You never know!

I also got another side-job. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to work it, but I am hoping that I can make a little extra money every month.

Pumping... isn't going well. I am drinking my fluids. I am eating much healthier. I am taking the supplements. I am pumping 8 times a day, 10 minutes each. I go every hour. I put off sleep so I can pump. Maybe that's the problem. It's really frustrating because all through my pregnancy, everyone told me that I would have no trouble producing breast milk since I am so busty. I didn't think I'd have any problems either, but it seems like I can't do it. Of course, I am not going to give up (again) because I really want to be proficient at it, so I will keep trying. Every little bit helps. I barely made 1.5 ounces yesterday. Drake eats about 24 a day. The longer I do it, the more I hope that "this time" will be the time that I start making more. Maybe I need to pump more frequently. I don't know.

Any advice?

Anyway, I need to get off the computer. I get a three hour window to sleep, and I am going to make the most of it.

EASY Method, Day 3

Day 3.... So far, so good. Reading the baby whisperer book is a god send. She said it would take about three days or so to see an improvement, and we have!

3:55 am Drake wakes up, Brian prepares a bottle. I get off work at 4. We prepare to switch off.
4:20 am Drake finishes his breakfast, 3.5 ounces. The new bottle is perfect (today).
4:35 am Mama has changed a diady, given him a wipe down, put lots of butt paste on, changed his outfit, and we played a little peek a boo, before swaddling for a nap.
5:00 am Drake is asleep- IN HIS CRIB!- and Mama only had to go in twice to reassure him she had not disappeared. During this time, I read more of my book and tweet. I chart everything down. I lay on the futon and browse the web. Daddy is asleep in the bedroom. I eat breakfast for the first time in two weeks.

 This marks the first set of EASY- Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time.

The second cycle of EASY was not as easy as the first one today- Drake didn't want to wake up. He is still in the habit of sleeping all day (and he was really fussy yesterday, meaning he is extra tired today).

It went like this

6:30 am Mama prepares a bottle and heats it up.
6:35 am Mama gets Drake and tries to wake him. I tickle his hands, and stroke his face, turn on lights and tell him it's time to wake up, he needs to eat. I keep a running dialogue with him. He eats 1 ounce and falls back asleep. No waking tactics work, so I don't try and force it. We go directly to the A- Activity.
7:00 am Change his diaper, he pees all over himself (including hitting himself in the face- ha!) so I clean him up and wash his face/head and change his outfit.
7:15 am By now, he is wide awake. Like a severely drunken person, he did not wake when he pissed on his own face, but when I cleaned him up. We switch outfits and fuss a little, but we are wide awake now! I decide to repeat the E- Eat, since he only had an ounce. We eat with vigor now, then fall back asleep. Total consumed- 2.5 ounces.
7:35 am He gets swaddled for his next nap. He is still asleep when I swaddle him and put him in his crib. He doesn't even wake when the drop side SQUEALS as it slides back into the locked position. (I need Brian to get some W-D 40 on it) I leave the room with a "Mama's still here, if you need me, just say so and I'll come get you." But it's not heard. He's dreaming of whatever babies dream of. Ever-flowing tits and Winnie the Pooh or whatever.

We did great until around 2:30 pm, and after that, it went all pear-shaped. I could not get him back to sleep. We ate a lot, and we did tummy time, and we did a lot of diaper changes, but he just would not sleep. I tried not to overstimulate him, but he became overtired anyway. He would WAIL every time he was not in my arms....

During this time, the insurance company called about the car. It is a total loss. The good news? They paid out $3800 for the car, $2500 of which goes to pay off my loan. Minus fees and whatnot, we get a check for $1150 Monday. There are all sorts of strings attached to this. My dad, who was the cosigner, HAS to be in person with me to come pick up the check. We have to sign a Power of Attorney statement, saying the insurance company can take the car. They are picking up the car from the auto shop on Monday, so Brian has to get all of our possessions out of the Malibu tomorrow. The rental car is due back Wednesday. That leaves us Monday, Tuesday, and maybe part of Wednesday to car shop....

...with a baby....
...around his work schedule....

Understandably, I am stressed. To make matters worse, it's snowing today and Brian was working. Snow plows just sort of gave up on keeping the roads plowed until it stopped snowing... which will be around 7 am tomorrow. Add in a bit more stress here....

Finally, around 6:30 pm, I got the bright idea to use the box fan on high and have lots of loud white noise to help the baby fall asleep. It went something like this

WAIIIIIIIIL WAILLLLLLLLLL WAILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WA WA WA WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL *fan on* wa- wa- hmmmm hhmmmm henh henh henh.... henh.... *dead to world*

I have had ZERO time to pump since 4 am. I zonked out on the couch because that is what great moms do.

Brian gets home and the baby wakes around 10:15 pm. He slept a little longer because well, we were both tired and frankly, we needed it.

10:20 pm Brian feeds the baby and changes him, and then he becomes the baby whisperer himself and the Dragon is out like a light again not even 30 minutes later.



Sigh. Now I can devote my energies to finding a car, downing Xanax, and trying to keep all my insides where they belong because I feel so stressed out that I might physically vomit. I am so tired, cranky, stressed, and covered in baby vomit. We have an additional $700 that we could use for a down payment if we have to and we are looking for a car between $5000 and $7000 so I know things will work out... they always do... but it is just a stressful transition made a little more stressful on the fact of dealing with a newborn....not that the baby knows what is going on... he's just a baby, after all.

Okay, I need to pump and drown myself in some Xanax so I can at least calm down enough to eat.

(Aside from the 5 hour span in which my child was screaming uncontrollably because he was overtired and unwilling to go to sleep- today was a great day on schedule. It is getting easier each day. Although I have not had more than 3 hours of sleep all day.. so not too happy about that)

Two Weeks Postpartum

The hormones are killing me. I cry at literally everything. I cry when I get a nap, when Grandma comes over to relieve me, when Brian goes to sleep, when the baby cries, when the baby sleeps, when I *finally* get a chance to eat for the first time that day, when I read blogs, tweets etc.

I know it's hormones. I swear I am not really like this.

I had a melt down today. I was up since 5 am with the baby. It was about noon or so. The baby would not sleep longer than an hour, wouldn't eat more than an ounce at a time, and was just fussy all day long. Brian was awake by this time and holding the baby. I was supposed to be laying down, but I just couldn't stop thinking about the car and our bills and I kept trying to do the math to see if we would have enough money this month for the bills and I got different answers each time, none of them good.

I just lost it. Started crying. I was positively wailing in no time, so Brian held the baby in one arm and me with the other. I blew my nose on a wet wipe and took a couple Xanax. Yes, a couple. More than I ever had. Brian and I went over bills and etc, turns out we are fine.

Grandma came over because I begged her to. I wanted to get out of the house so badly. I am not allowed to drive for another 4 weeks. It was gross out today, snowy and slick, and she came anyway. We went grocery shopping (a huge endeavor) and had a lunch out. It was a lot to do for me today, since I am still recovering. We walked around Target and got groceries, different baby bottle nipples, breast milk storage bags, butt paste for diaper rash, stool softener (I take iron pills, which make me extremely constipated) Target is huge and overwhelming. I wouldn't have gone, but we had a gift card, so why not?

The new bottle nipples seem to work better. He is getting more in at each feeding, and he is not spitting up at all which is very good. In fact, he had two bottles full back to back, totaling 12 ounces. He must have been really hungry. I think the other nipples were making him cranky.

Despite that fact, the baby is just fussy. Has been for a few days. I am not sure what is different all of a sudden? Maybe he is just a fussy baby. I really have no idea. I am trying to tune into his needs but it is really *really* hard when he is screaming his fool head off, and refusing food, pacifier, swing, bouncy, rocking, cuddling, etc. Is he gassy? Does he have reflux? Not getting enough food at one time? Is he tired? Overstimulated? Bored? I am just bumbling through this. It's even harder on Brian, who really has no clue what a baby is and each time Drake cries, I can see how frantic Brian gets... the baby's cries are just the right pitch to grate on Brian's every nerve. Poor guy.

But I really really really can't do this alone, so Brian will just have to learn to cope, same as me. Thank God for Xanax

I'm not in any pain really from the surgery any more, which is good. I keep taking my Motrin and I never got my Percocet refilled. Once they took my staples out, I didn't need it any more. Stupid staples, flesh was not meant to be held together by metal. Although, the nurse gave me the best compliment, she said that my stomach was way flatter than hers was, and she delivered vaginally, and her baby wasn't as big as mine was! They were also impressed with how tiny my incision was, considering how big headed large Drake was/is. I still haven't seen my incision/scar. I can feel the scar tissue, and when I am able to resume normal activities, I am going to massage the area. Massaging even 5 minutes a day can drastically improve the appearance of scar tissue... trust me. I did it on my ankle. One side looks awful and painful, the other side looks like nothing is even there.

I am down a total of 20 lbs, more than half the baby weight has come off. I weigh 240 now and my pre-pregnancy weight was 222, so only 18 more pounds to go!  My feet aren't as swollen, I can shower unassisted (I had trouble getting in and out of the shower and toweling off from the waist down)

My boobs are so big and swollen now. Like I really needed them to be any bigger. The last bra I had bought, I bought big on purpose. I was a 46DD before, so I bought a 48DD and now it is too small! They leak constantly. I took a maxi pad and cut the ends off of it and shoved them in my bra to absorb leaks. Works like a charm. Why buy those expensive breast pads when you can just use up the rest of those horrid maxi pads you get from the hospital? Haha

I love that my belly is flat now and I can see my feet (if I moved my boobs out of the way first) and I can fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I haven't tried any pre-preggers jeans yet, but I am also still nearly 20 lbs heavier than I was, so I don't think they will fit. I got rid of all my "fat" jeans when I dropped a couple sizes.

Well, the baby is down for the count, Brian is decompressing by working on a commission (ha, weird that work is a way to decompress now), and I have an hour off between shifts, so I might as well play the resident bovine and pump some precious milk for my darling to eat all up tomorrow. Plus I want to try the breast milk bags. I got the Lansinoh brand- love/hate? Recommendations?

Freedom

Today was a very emotional day for me. It was like the Universe just decided to give me a pop quiz to see how well I had been paying attention, and I felt like I had been caught sleeping. 

I don't know if I passed with flying colors, but I know that I scraped by. I was caught off guard on a lot of things that happened today. Aside from having a very pregnant/princess tantrum, I think I handled things as best as I could. 

But now I am at peace. I have taken the test. Regardless of pass or fail, I cannot dwell on it any longer. Y'know why? It's in the past. It does not do well to dwell on things I can no longer control.

What I can control is tomorrow though. I put my big girl panties on and lace up my big girl shoes and I make some very tough, very real decisions. 

Our emergency fund NEEDS to be replenished. Our checking account NEEDS to be replenished. So something has got to give. Actually, some things have got to go. I have some items that I am going to sell and Brian is staring at me incredulously. He cannot believe that I am going to sell my laptop, our roller blades and our Nintendo Wii. 

Even though we don't need this stuff, he has a hard time believing that I would be so willing to part with it. I'm over it, baby! It's nothing to me except dollar signs. 

I'm really trying to take to heart the principles I read about through Dave Ramsey. I'm really tired of not having any money and wondering where it all went. I'm tired of being called by collectors and I am tired of being poor. I am tired of it all, honestly. And with a baby on the way? It scares me. 

I know that everyone has debt. But I don't want to be like everyone else. So I am starting over. Brian is so on board with this (except for the stuff selling.)

I'm going to get my bills paid this month. I am going to start saving for the emergency fund. And I am going to get on track. I am getting another job. I am doing monthly budgets. I have wrote out where I "thought" our money was going and then seeing where it actually went. Believe it or not, I was right on target with our spending. I knew where it all was going, I just didn't realize that was where it was all going. 

We have a very loose budget right now. Next month we will evaluate it and tighten up where the leaks are. Our biggest concern is definitely eating out. We eat out all the time! It's appalling! But we made it work with our budget. We set aside a little bit of cash- yes, cash!- in an envelope and it is labeled "Eating out money"

We also made a rule: We eat out only on Thursdays. We also have a cash envelope for grocery shopping, which we have also started doing on Thursdays. 

The cash system is pretty hard for me to grasp, I guess. I think I have been brainwashed by debit cards and convenience, so having cash is going to take some getting used to. Maybe I'll get the hang of it when we have to put items back at the store because we don't have enough cash in our hands, and we left our cards at home. Humble pie for 1, please.

I am focusing on this feeling of freedom. On this thought process of being free from debt. On the idea that I can be financially fit. Right now, I am focused on building a small (uber small) emergency fund of $500 because $1000 feels so out of reach right now, but $500 feels challenging yet attainable. Like losing that first 5 lbs at Weight Watchers. 

Max is doing great today! He's been restricted to 1/4 c. of liquid at a time (water or broth) for 24-48 hours, and then can go bland with rice.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers and definitely think positive thoughts on the job front. I want a new job so badly, I'm almost ready to burst.

Good Intentions

I have started this blog so many times yet words fail me. That's not true, entirely. I get diarrhea of the keyboard and lose all train of thought. Or really get going with a train of thought but I go back to re-read it and I get tired... so I know you all wont read it.

I don't want to sound whiny or bitchy. Have you noticed? Lately I've been trying my hardest to count my blessings and just be thankful, dammit. Which is not that hard really.

I've been doing what I need to do. And that means applying for state aid. I have several interviews (two lol) set up this week so things are going smoothly.

I've finally been able to just relax. I've been so stressed out lately it's ridiculous. On top of pregnancy concerns like... appetite aversion and nausea, and my boobies hurting so bad I want to cry. My hormones all out of whack so I cry at stupid shit. Like last week, when I went to my mom's and Goober (the golden retriever) tried to cuddle with me on the day bed but he couldn't get comfy and started wiggling around. He dug his nails into my back on my spine. Normally it wouldn't hurt, I'd yell "get off you stupid cow" and hit him with a pillow, and then my mom would yell at me... but I just cried. And cried. And sobbed. It was really quite pathetic. Even worse, thinking about it now? Crying.

Bah.

Went to a free clinic today for some paperwork and was told I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant- hurray! This week, baby has ears, eyes, and limbs. As well as elbows. Crazy. Next week, baby will have fully formed and separated fingers and toes, complete with nails! and it's still only this big (    ) It's looking decidedly human, so no fish baby for us.

It's crazy.

My family has been so good to us lately. I'm really thankful for them and so glad that I have them to turn to for advice. Such a long long day today. I am mentally exhausted. It's hard work to be stressed out. I give up on that nonsense for a while. I'm ready to relax. Unfortunately, got a couple of busy days ahead so I won't be able to kick back just yet. I am pretty much determined to do all I can.

Just 1.5 weeks until I can find out what "baby F" is via Intelligender... Maybe I should do a poll?? Bets??  I'm secretly.. well it's no secret... hoping for a boy. Or twins. Haha. Not going to happen. Brian kind of wants a girl. MIL wants a girl. FIL doesn't seem to care... my parents just want a healthy baby. Baby F will be whatever baby F decides to be. I just want to know what colors to paint the nursery! ;)

Worst Run Ever Best Feeling Ever

I had my worst run today- barely shy of 3 miles in 30 minutes. That meant I was averaging more than a 10 minute mile on the elliptical, when my average is just shy of 8 minutes a mile.

Why was it so hard? Probably because I conveniently forgot to go last week at all. I pretty much did not go this week either, until today. It was so nice to sweat though! I can't let the numbers ruin me, I was too high on the feelings and letting go of all the stress I have built up over the last few days.

I feel like a million bucks right now... frolicking through the meadow. What you thought I meant cash? I'm talking about deer!

I wish I had a million dollars though!

Tomorrow is Good Friday, but today is Great Thursday. Haven't you heard?

Well despite being told that I just wasn't liked by a company yesterday, I got one potential interview lined up from another today, and one definite interview lined up!

One company loved my app and said that they were looking to hire more employees but the General Manager was out of town until Monday and to call back after then and see about setting up an interview (score!)

Another today- I had turned in an app to a restaurant I wasn't sure was hiring but decided to give it a go anyway (can't hurt right?) and I got to talk to the manager. They said that they were definitely hiring and especially hiring for the position I applied for, and wanted to know if it would be okay to call me Monday? It would be 2 weeks before I could start working there, was that okay? And yes, it was! I even made the guy laugh! Always a plus! It doesn't hurt that Brian got a few good pieces of information as well today :) Let's keep the good news coming... lots of happy thoughts and prayers for us please!

I'm so tired. Time for a nap.

I promise, I will never cry

Went to the chiro today and I found out my orthotic insoles will only run me about $200 and our health savings account will cover that. So yay!! Free insoles!! And apparently my insurance is covering my visits too, double yay!!

It really hurts when he massages my leg muscles. He said he knows from experience how much it hurts and I do my best not to even say "ow" even though all I want to do is cry. He gets in there and digs his knuckles into these muscles and stimulates them. These muscles have all but atrophied in the years of disuse and of course it is going to hurt. He said that he bruised them the other day when I told him how much pain I was in over the weekend but thought I was very brave for coming back. Not only did I go back, but Brian also rubbed them for me and helped me with my exercises.

The chiro said that he has had people cry in his office before at the muscle treatment so I know that it wouldn't be anything new. And even though I want to sob like a little girl, I also have to wear my big girl shoes and grit my teeth. I didn't bring a stick today. Maybe Wednesday.

I plan to keep doing them at home, even if it hurts. The more I do it, the stronger they will get, and the less I will have to go. Which is always a bonus. 

I am super stressed out today. A test + lady time = on the verge of tears. I actually got rather upset at one point when I got home and started crying. What did I cry about? Well, Brian said something sweet. A xanax, some coffee, and a cookie helped immensely. 

Brian has a short week at work this week! His last day is Wednesday, he has Thursday through Sunday off. I work on Thursday as my first day of on the job nesting, and have Friday off, and work Saturday. I get paid time and a half for Saturday. 

I was telling all of my friends and family that I was happy I was working Christmas and would have been upset had they not scheduled me. I was promised I could work holidays when I signed up! This may seem strange to some people, but I have a lot of my mom in me. I am a workaholic only because I am greedy and I need the money to keep afloat lol :) I have Sunday and Monday off, and then my regular schedule begins Tuesdays through Saturdays, 1:00-9:30 pm. 

I'm starting to feel tired. This week I am focusing on going to bed "early" (meaning before 6am) and trying to get some quality sleep but it hasn't been easy. 

There were 8 cookies left this morning (out of 36!!) and I had two. I sent 4 to work with Brian today. The other two are in the fridge. For some reason, if I put it on the bottom shelf in the fridge, I am less likely to eat them. Not because I don't like cold cookies, but because I would have to bend over. Laziness can be rewarding, sometimes.

Stress and the effects on the body and mind

Or as I like to call it, my weekend.

My poor gramma is going to freak when she reads this....

As you know I got hired into a super awesome job this weekend. I am so excited about this job, I know that I will do really well in it (if you blow your interviewer out of the water, thats a good sign) I want to be prepared.

Being prepared. It sounds so confident and awesome, doesn't it? Well the reality is I have been flailing around like a drunken idiot who also happens to have a sudden case of amnesia. I can't remember anything. Anything. At all.

Some examples include:

1. leaving the stove burner on low heat for 5 hours
2. forgetting where I put the controller/remote/phone/pen/glass/etc the moment I set it down
3. telling Brian the same thing multiple times in a row, and not realizing I had told him already
4. forgetting basic English, grammar, and sentence structure. Seriously. I could not remember what "chicken nuggets" and "french fries" were called. I asked Brian if he wanted me to make him "uhm ...those thingies you dip into ranch and that other thing you dip in whats it called ketchup"

Not to mention the technical trouble I was having with the printer! Thankfully, it's all sorted now. I got all my paperwork done as well and faxed it over from my fax machine in my office.

Add that into one bad eating day where I ate a bunch of fast food and you are looking at a 2.5 lb gain!
UGH. I am calling shenanigans though. I know I didn't eat 2.5 lbs worth of food that day, and I am pretty sure it's just stress and water retention. I have since been eating only at home and only what I have logged into Weight Watchers. (Thankfully, I've gone down .8 lbs since yesterday)

I thought it was going to be 9 am-5 pm, as that is what I was told before but it turns out that it is actually going to be 2-10 pm. Which works out great for me. I don't have to alter my sleeping habits at all for this job. This rocks! My hours will be 1-9:30 pm when I get out of training. Know what is special about these hours? These hours are the *exact* same that my husband works! Yay!

I have everything done that I can do now. I am just so anxious to start. I think I will go and get some sleep now. I am so tired. I didn't sleep well at all last night because I was so worried if I would get all my paperwork done in time. I had to notarize it as well.

But I will leave you with something exciting (?... at least I think its exciting)

This week I have tried several new things:

1- applying for a job that I didn't think I was qualified for (and got hired!)
2- drank regular sweet tea with raspberry added (delish)
3- bought and juiced 3 pomegranates (awesome)
4- tried two new recipes
5- drank regular coffee with a dash of creamer and 2 packets of splenda. (also good)

There. That makes this a positive post :) See Gramma, I'm not stressed out at all! I'm doing good :) Now that everything is taken care of until the 23rd, there is no reason to worry. Right? Right.