Two Weeks Postpartum

The hormones are killing me. I cry at literally everything. I cry when I get a nap, when Grandma comes over to relieve me, when Brian goes to sleep, when the baby cries, when the baby sleeps, when I *finally* get a chance to eat for the first time that day, when I read blogs, tweets etc.

I know it's hormones. I swear I am not really like this.

I had a melt down today. I was up since 5 am with the baby. It was about noon or so. The baby would not sleep longer than an hour, wouldn't eat more than an ounce at a time, and was just fussy all day long. Brian was awake by this time and holding the baby. I was supposed to be laying down, but I just couldn't stop thinking about the car and our bills and I kept trying to do the math to see if we would have enough money this month for the bills and I got different answers each time, none of them good.

I just lost it. Started crying. I was positively wailing in no time, so Brian held the baby in one arm and me with the other. I blew my nose on a wet wipe and took a couple Xanax. Yes, a couple. More than I ever had. Brian and I went over bills and etc, turns out we are fine.

Grandma came over because I begged her to. I wanted to get out of the house so badly. I am not allowed to drive for another 4 weeks. It was gross out today, snowy and slick, and she came anyway. We went grocery shopping (a huge endeavor) and had a lunch out. It was a lot to do for me today, since I am still recovering. We walked around Target and got groceries, different baby bottle nipples, breast milk storage bags, butt paste for diaper rash, stool softener (I take iron pills, which make me extremely constipated) Target is huge and overwhelming. I wouldn't have gone, but we had a gift card, so why not?

The new bottle nipples seem to work better. He is getting more in at each feeding, and he is not spitting up at all which is very good. In fact, he had two bottles full back to back, totaling 12 ounces. He must have been really hungry. I think the other nipples were making him cranky.

Despite that fact, the baby is just fussy. Has been for a few days. I am not sure what is different all of a sudden? Maybe he is just a fussy baby. I really have no idea. I am trying to tune into his needs but it is really *really* hard when he is screaming his fool head off, and refusing food, pacifier, swing, bouncy, rocking, cuddling, etc. Is he gassy? Does he have reflux? Not getting enough food at one time? Is he tired? Overstimulated? Bored? I am just bumbling through this. It's even harder on Brian, who really has no clue what a baby is and each time Drake cries, I can see how frantic Brian gets... the baby's cries are just the right pitch to grate on Brian's every nerve. Poor guy.

But I really really really can't do this alone, so Brian will just have to learn to cope, same as me. Thank God for Xanax

I'm not in any pain really from the surgery any more, which is good. I keep taking my Motrin and I never got my Percocet refilled. Once they took my staples out, I didn't need it any more. Stupid staples, flesh was not meant to be held together by metal. Although, the nurse gave me the best compliment, she said that my stomach was way flatter than hers was, and she delivered vaginally, and her baby wasn't as big as mine was! They were also impressed with how tiny my incision was, considering how big headed large Drake was/is. I still haven't seen my incision/scar. I can feel the scar tissue, and when I am able to resume normal activities, I am going to massage the area. Massaging even 5 minutes a day can drastically improve the appearance of scar tissue... trust me. I did it on my ankle. One side looks awful and painful, the other side looks like nothing is even there.

I am down a total of 20 lbs, more than half the baby weight has come off. I weigh 240 now and my pre-pregnancy weight was 222, so only 18 more pounds to go!  My feet aren't as swollen, I can shower unassisted (I had trouble getting in and out of the shower and toweling off from the waist down)

My boobs are so big and swollen now. Like I really needed them to be any bigger. The last bra I had bought, I bought big on purpose. I was a 46DD before, so I bought a 48DD and now it is too small! They leak constantly. I took a maxi pad and cut the ends off of it and shoved them in my bra to absorb leaks. Works like a charm. Why buy those expensive breast pads when you can just use up the rest of those horrid maxi pads you get from the hospital? Haha

I love that my belly is flat now and I can see my feet (if I moved my boobs out of the way first) and I can fit into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I haven't tried any pre-preggers jeans yet, but I am also still nearly 20 lbs heavier than I was, so I don't think they will fit. I got rid of all my "fat" jeans when I dropped a couple sizes.

Well, the baby is down for the count, Brian is decompressing by working on a commission (ha, weird that work is a way to decompress now), and I have an hour off between shifts, so I might as well play the resident bovine and pump some precious milk for my darling to eat all up tomorrow. Plus I want to try the breast milk bags. I got the Lansinoh brand- love/hate? Recommendations?