A Long Road

It's been an interesting 5 months since I last blogged.

The main reason that I have stayed away from this blog is because my favorite reader and supporter has passed away. My Grandma lost her battle with leukemia in July and since then, I have been struggling a lot. I know my family has too. I think about her every day, and every day, I cry.

It's been brutal.

There are other things bothering me too, of course. I still struggle with ankle problems and I know that very soon, I will have to leave my current job because it requires me to be on my feet too much and it is disrupting my ability to function as a wife and mother.

I went back to my doctor and had a custom brace made, but it didn't stabilize my ankle, so it doesn't work. It frustrated me to no end.

I joined the YMCA because they have a pool and I do love to swim... once I get in the water. Brian and Drake go with me too and we try to go 3 times a week. However, over the last month and a half, it seems every time that we take Drake he ends up getting some sort of sickness from the kids at the ChildWatch. First it was a cold, then it was a 24 hour bug, then it was bronchitis.

My doctor diagnosed me with osteoarthritis. And once again, told me that I would need to have some sort of surgery in the future.

I don't want another surgery. The first 3 didn't help, and I am sure this wouldn't either.

I keep telling my job that I can't work so many hours, but I need the money. So it's a constant conflict of personal interest. Do I kill myself over something as petty as money? Or am I that desperate to live a semi-normal life?

Currently I am looking for other options, but seeing how it may take a few months for that to pan out, I just hope that I can hold on.

Drake is doing well. He is talking more and that makes me happy. He spends a lot of time with Brian's parents, because they come over to babysit for us when we are both working. They do it for free most weeks too. Sometimes we are able to provide them with gas money, or dinner, and sometimes we aren't. Most of the time we aren't able to.

I thought working outside of the home would provide more funds for us, but it really isn't paying out. Brian's started looking for other work too. We both know that if I keep on working like this, I really will be crippled and it will be either through another surgery, or just injury. I have no idea what to do and sometimes, I feel really lost.

Ok, make that most of the time.

Other than the existential crisis, I really am happy. I finally made some great friends, and I couldn't be happier in my life with Brian and Drake. I just really want a working foot so I can work.

This Week

Shit, son! Lots of things happened this week.

-Tuesday Brian transferred to the new store. The new store? Didn't advertise. The stores that they took the delivery area away from? Didn't tell their customers. So it was a slow day. He had Wednesday and today off, so we don't know how it has been the last couple of days. He works all weekend though- so here's hoping things look up.

-Nursing.... isn't working. Oh no. No no no no no no no. I think I may have traumatized my son for life now, because every time I whip them out (to pump!) and he sees them, he starts crying his "I hate my tiny little life" cry. Fantastic. Sorry I tried to do what was natural kid, artificial nipples it is. I didn't want him clamping down on me anyway.

-My new parts came for my breast pump!! Hurray! I am so glad that I ordered them, because it is so much easier and more comfortable to pump. Proof that I needed to upgrade- I have already produced twice as much as I normally do, in half as many sessions. Oh yes.

-I scored an awesome deal today. I needed more prenatal vitamins (it's recommended you keep taking them if you are breast feeding) and they were on sale, BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. It's a 45 day supply and $11. I got two for the price of one! Now I have enough for the next three months.

-We registered Brian's car today. It was either pay $50 for two months and then re-register, or pay $120 for 14 months. It would have been cheaper in the long run to do the $120, but we just didn't have the money really, so I am glad that we were able to do the $50.

-Drake has started laughing. Not cute little baby giggles, just a small "hee hee hee" occasionally. Adorable. I try so hard to make him laugh and smile all day. It leaves me exhausted. He also has been in constant demand mode. I want my pacifier 24-7! hold it in my mouth! Don't let it fall out, or I will scream my head off! The longer you wait to put it in, the more I'll cry! Why are you crying, mom?? I told you I want my pacifier, and I meant NOW!!!

-I got a VERY late Christmas present! It is a WW cookbook! It's from 2010, but it has points Values and all the nutrition information, so it will be easy to update to the new points plus program. Seriously- my mom got it for me for Christmas (it was wrapped and everything!) but she wasn't sure if I wanted it or not. I did!

-My grandma's sweet friend loves Drake so much, she bought him a bear and a book. Drake has met her more times than I have. I am always so amazed at her big heart. She has given us money and toys for the baby. I can never get over how giving she is. I am so grateful. It brings me to tears when I think about it.

-I didn't exercise at all. Yesterday was just a pretty bad day for everyone emotionally. Baby was fussy, Brian was fussy, and I had to pretty much do everything until super late in the evening, when I finally got some sleep.

-I crocheted! I got one of the middle-sized squares done for the baby afghan... and then realized I missed a stitch in the 3rd row (of 8) and had to undo it all and redo it all. Fun!

-I fixed the dishwasher, ran 3 loads of dishes, and did 2 loads of laundry in the last 24 hours.

Chicken Enchiladas

This weekend has been really hard on Brian. He's been working 6+ hour days Friday, Saturday, today, and he has another 6 hour day Monday. So much for a relaxing 4th of July weekend. The good news is he is making a lot of tips and that's money we could use. Technically we are doing alright now, but the wedding next weekend is setting us back for sure. Brian also only works 2 days next week (Monday and Wednesday) so any money he makes this weekend is what will get us through the next few days.

Since he's been working so hard he hasn't been home to enjoy my delicious baked potato fest I have going on here. He's requested I make something for him before he heads out to work today and that something is... Chicken enchiladas.

I love enchiladas!

I start off by boiling some chicken breasts. I let them cool, shred them and then toss them in a skillet with some diced onion and green pepper, and a taco seasoning packet. I put a little enchilada sauce in there too. Once it's all cooked through, I start filling the tortillas. Cheese, meat filling, wrap it up, place in pan. Repeat. Top with cheese and sauce. Bake 20 minutes.

I also got a package of instant rice Old El Paso Mexican Fiesta or some such. Yum. Brian really wanted refried beans too but I didn't pick those up when I went to the store. I might send him out for some and some more cheese (I've been using it on my potatoes... eep)

So while you fancy pants are all out enjoying steak (jealous jealous) burgers, brats, etc (jealous jealous) I'm having me a Mexican Fiesta :D

Ready

I love Brian and I love spending time with Brian. I love everything we do together.... but man is he a siphon! I have zero desire to do anything that requires leaving his side. I am sure that is how I ended up with child, but that's not exactly the point. I have no desire to work out. I have no desire to track. No desire to clean the house or cook a fancy meal. I have no desire to get dressed or to do my hair/makeup or to even take a shower.

I just want to cuddle. 24/7. To the point that if we are in separate rooms, I get antsy. Angry. Defensive.

I'm ready for him to go back to work.

I'm ready for some me time again.

I'm ready to start going to the fitness center and getting on the elliptical. I'm ready to spend hours doing hair and makeup for the hell of it. I'm ready to clean the house and cook a meal "because Brian will be home soon"

I really miss those days.

Tuesday, he starts work. 3.5 hours.

He tells me he will go to the fitness center with me, and bless him, he does if I ask. But it's just not the same. I can't get into the zone with him there. He doesn't like to work out and he lifts weights for maybe 10 minutes and then plays on his phone the whole time.

To give the man a lot of credit, he does get me out of the house a lot. And we do lots of fun things together. We have a lot of similar hobbies... its just I sort of forget why I am on this journey of healthy living (can't call it weight loss any more... Not supposed to lose weight when you're pregnant!)

It's almost Monday now.


We had kind of a scare today in our apartment. We live on the third floor in the front of the building. A lady started screaming and yelling as loud as she could, sobbing and shouting "Get off of me!" and "Don't you touch me!" as loud as she could... so naturally I thought she was being raped/beaten and I go out to see what is going on. Brian followed me, of course (thank God) and I find its coming from an apartment on the second floor, in the back of the building (diagonal from us) I summoned all my courage and knocked on the door. A man answers the door. I take in his features as I call into the apartment. "Ma'am? Is everything okay?" The man answered me and said everything was fine. I give him a dirty look that plainly said "I'm not talking to you." I repeated to the woman and she said "No ma'am I am not alright." I asked if she would like me to call the police. Then her story changed. Suddenly she was alright. And she was just scared. I asked her why she was scared but got no answer. I said "if you're sure everything's alright, could you keep it down?" and left.
Our neighbor, who lives right above her, an older grizzled man came running out of his apartment phone in hand. I asked him, "does this happen often?" And he said "no, its the first time. I was about to call the police." I told him we would take care of that, since I had a description of the suspect.

Actually Brian called.
I wrote down their descriptions in case I forgot.
I watched the apartment for the police to arrive.

The man left.

The police came and talked to the lady, I guess. And they left too. They had our apartment number but didn't come to talk to us or anything.

I know I did the right thing by calling the police. One thing I cannot stand is domestic violence. For the man, for being such an asshole. For the woman, for being a dumbass and putting up with that shit. I don't get it. And I don't care. Even if she was 'over-reacting' (over reacting my ass! The woman had a blood curdling scream!) the police still needed to be involved, since she was disturbing the peace. Screaming like her life depended on it and then suddenly changing her tune when I asked to call the police is really fishy to me. >:( But all that can be done has been done. I missed out on my nap.

It was simultaneously the bravest thing and the stupidest thing I have ever done. Brave, because I stood up for what was right. Stupid, because, well.... I'm pregnant and that idiot might have had a gun. I won't be doing it again. And yeah, my door is always locked. Thank God for the police.

Of Stress and Barbecue Chicken Pizza

Today was awful emotionally.

I got on the scale and it was 215.0 even, so yay! down some weigh again. Must have been all the Zumba and the good eating.

Work is insanely stressful- to the point that I am taking 2 Xanax a day (previously, I might have taken one a month) I actually had a few breakdowns today where on my breaks I just openly sobbed until I had to go back. Part of me realizes that from Christmas through January is the busiest month for the Company but still... the other half of me just wants to quit so bad.

I don't think I've ever wanted to quit anything as bad as I do now. I feel like such a loser admitting that, but this is worse than the other company I worked for when they were laying off everyone.

This is more stress than I felt working 50 hours a week, going to school full time, and starting to plan my life together with Brian.


I really don't think that I am cut out to be a customer support agent. I don't really like talking to people and that's all this job is!

But I promised myself that I will stick with it through the month of January, and if I *still* hate it and I am *still* stressed out, I am going to quit.

Sorry I'm not sorry.

On that note: I ordered pizza tonight- half chicken bbq and half pepperoni for Brian. I ate all my half . It was delicious and it was worth it.