Sunday, January 13, 2013

Life with Baby

Baby Murphy's Law

States that whenever parent lays down, baby will wake from nap the moment the parent's head hits the pillow.

Satanic Entertainment

Where the batteries in the annoying toys finally begin to die, but the fuckers don't just stop working. No, they play their jingles and songs with deliberate slowness, off-key notes, and all cutesy laughs turn into El Diablo come huntin' for your SOUL.

Assume the Position

When your child grabs his feet and presents his tiny ass to you to wipe, powder, and cream. All while laughing. Yes, Mom. Spread that cream all over. Oh wait. I wanted to eat some too.

Toilet Training

Learning what a magical item the toilet is. Whenever you accidentally leave the lid up, or even for a split second while you are pulling up your pants, your child has dove head first into the (sometimes very recently used) water and splashes around in it. Gag.

Technological Einstein

When child knows your expensive gadgetry better than you do. 4 finger swipe? Don't mind if I do. Mom's checking the news/weather/gossip? Switch between the active apps. Tired of Netflix? Turn off the PlayStation 3. Facetiming with Grandparents? Hang up on them when bored, which is approximately 30 seconds after the call has connected. Grab mom's phone? Locked the sim, and somehow used all the attempts to unlock it.

Positive Self-Image

Oh it looks like you have a camera, Mom. I am going to make an incredibly cheesy cute smile. Yes, take the picture. Now, unless you show it to me exactly 2 seconds after it's been taken, I will throw a hissy fit on the floor and cry. Ah yes, that one was okay. Take another. Repeat.


When you put your child to bed fully clothed, yet he wakes up bare ass naked EVERY TIME. Diaper included. Usually playing with diaper.

Personal Hygiene 

Baby wants bath. Parent draws bath; undresses child, puts in bath with toys. Child stands in the tub and pisses, then wants out. Parent then proceeds to take child out of bath; child wants to now play in piss water. Parent gives up, and starts drinking from hip flask.

And my personal favorite....


Condition in which child is inflicted with every time a visit with grandparents ends. Child refuses to get back on his normal schedule. Sleeping? Grandma lets me stay up all night.

I don't know about you, but my kid gets grandparent-itis every other week. Its a recurring condition. But hey, it means I have a night off every other Saturday, so I won't be searching for a cure any time soon.

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