Don't Panic

Someone please tattoo this on my forehead. Although I may never leave the house again if you do.

Last night I was to go to the gym. I got dressed, I got all my stuff around, I put on my coat and scarf and headed out the door. And when I got to the car, I stopped. I had a panic attack. Full blown anxiety, just POOF! out of nowhere.

I didn't want. to. go. I didn't want. to. leave. I was terrified of leaving. So I chickened out and then I went back inside the apartment and Brian asked why I didn't leave. I told him it was too icy out. It had been raining all day and the temps fell at night, so it was plausible it was icy. It really wasn't.

But he didn't question it and I went to get ready to go to bed. After a while though, the guilt of lying ate me up. And I started crying. I confessed it was really just a panic attack and I have been having a lot of them lately. I start thinking about doing things (going to the gym, getting a job, traveling, going to the store) and then I get all queasy and I stop.

I am a hermit. I've been hermitized.

What it really boils down to is I need a car of my own. I've been so stuck at home that its become really the only place that I feel...normal? in. Venturing out makes me anxious and irritable, especially if I go alone.


so, there. A confession.

Now I need to work on a solution. Besides getting a car, because that is not going to happen for a while.

Excited!!

If you've read this blog for any length of time you will know that I am sort of a ...homebody. And that working from home has its definite benefits and drawbacks. One is that it seems to be so hard to get reacquainted with the traditional workforce. 

I am pleased to announce that I am going for an interview tomorrow, which caught me totally off guard. However, I made the interviewer laugh over the phone, so that is always a good sign. Someone with a sense of humor is someone I definitely want to work for. 

The only thing I'm ...worried?... nervous?...unsure about is how I would fit in in this environment. I will say this: I want this and I need this and it may just be a more than subtle push in the right direction. Let's hope that things will go accordingly. Yes? Yes. Wish me luck. Noon, EST.

This title is unrelated.

I feel loads better. I've been loading up on OTC meds to keep myself at a functional, minimally-snotty level so I can be a parent. It's working.

I have been battling insomnia. This is likely due to my over-analyzing of everything. Money, work, new jobs, watching Doctor Who, playing Fallout 3, debating on making more YouTube videos, applying for new jobs, teaching Drake new things, formulating new ideas to keep him from pissing himself 4+ times a night.... The list goes on. Basically I worry about EVERYTHING.

I haven't been outside in a few days. I refuse to leave the house when I am sick. I just want to limit my exposure to others and also I feel like crap and I don't care for social interaction anyway.

Drake has 2 new teeth in, and two more on the way. that will make a total of twelve. He's also becoming more .... I'd say talkative, but not in a true language sense. He babbles a lot more, and we don't talk to him in baby talk any more. We talk to him like he is able to talk back. He certainly understands. My proudest achievement to date is teaching him to "bring it here" and "give that to Mama" and he will do it most times. My heart swells and my love for him grows on a daily, momentary basis. I can't believe how much I love him, and how much I will love him tomorrow. It really brings me to tears, to know what true love is. And Brian just melts my heart even further. He is such a good father, he is really starting to get into the playing and teaching aspect.

I still need good thoughts and prayers for Brian to get this job. I will sacrifice a goat if I have to. I don't know where I will find a goat in the city, but maybe I can find a leg of lamb or something and roast it up in offering to the Job Gods. I also need good thoughts and prayers for myself, because I realize the more I stay home the more hermit like I become.

Example: I was at the gym and running on the treadmill. It hurt my shins really badly, and I needed to stop and switch to an elliptical to continue my workout. But the row of ellipticals is in front of the row of treadmills, and there were a lot of people on treadmills. I panicked because all of these people would SEE ME switching from the treadmill to the elliptical and JUDGE ME. Look... logically I know that most of those people don't give a rat's ass that I swap machines. No one at my gym even talks to each other or looks at each other and that is why I like it so much. But I have grown so accustomed to not being around more than 2 people at any given time, that I freaked out and my logic circuits fried and I was left debating. Do I continue on the treadmill  possibly injuring myself for the sake of other people's judgement? Do I swap machines and finish my work out and get things done? Do I act like I was done with the treadmill anyway and go on and lift some weights and work my way back to the elliptical after? Eventually, I did what I wanted to and just swapped to the elliptical, judgement be damned.

But this proves to me, among other things, that I need a real job outside the home. I am getting pretty desperate for one, to the point I am considering working in fast food. Like this fatty needs to be surrounded by fast food, or even work in a restaurant... but I will persevere. I will get another job.

Anyway, now that I can breathe out of at least one nostril, 85% of the time, I am going to go back to the gym tonight and run my butt off. This time on the elliptical. And I am going to do some strength training as well, because I want to burn more calories without any extra effort one day.