Thursday, January 31, 2013

Don't Panic

Someone please tattoo this on my forehead. Although I may never leave the house again if you do.

Last night I was to go to the gym. I got dressed, I got all my stuff around, I put on my coat and scarf and headed out the door. And when I got to the car, I stopped. I had a panic attack. Full blown anxiety, just POOF! out of nowhere.

I didn't want. to. go. I didn't want. to. leave. I was terrified of leaving. So I chickened out and then I went back inside the apartment and Brian asked why I didn't leave. I told him it was too icy out. It had been raining all day and the temps fell at night, so it was plausible it was icy. It really wasn't.

But he didn't question it and I went to get ready to go to bed. After a while though, the guilt of lying ate me up. And I started crying. I confessed it was really just a panic attack and I have been having a lot of them lately. I start thinking about doing things (going to the gym, getting a job, traveling, going to the store) and then I get all queasy and I stop.

I am a hermit. I've been hermitized.

What it really boils down to is I need a car of my own. I've been so stuck at home that its become really the only place that I feel...normal? in. Venturing out makes me anxious and irritable, especially if I go alone.

so, there. A confession.

Now I need to work on a solution. Besides getting a car, because that is not going to happen for a while.

1 comment:

  1. Hey chika.
    I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for coming to this place - this realization is HUGE for you. And to be honest with Brian about what's really going on with you is awesome. Tattoo this on your arm - "NOTHING IS AS BAD AS WE IMAGINE." It's really true.
    Confession - I have training tomorrow and I'm ALREADY anxious about it. It's over 12 hours away and I'm still anxious about something that is FUN and GOOD FOR ME!
    But it's a 'change' and 'change' is scary.
    It's what we do about that fear and anxiety that defines us.
    So - next time it strikes, and you're feeling panicked - what are you going to do about it?
    (My vote is to challenge it and push on through it. Each time you push through it, it'll get a tiny bit easier. And besides, you owe it to that little dragon to prove be an example of courage in the face of change! :) )


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