Incredibly Sad

Today I felt incredibly sad.

I am still not over my stressful weekend. I ended up scheduling myself way over board. It went something like this

work two hours
off one hour
work three hours
off two hours
work two hours
off one hour
work 3 hours
off four hours

Rinse and repeat, for three days.
I never got more than a 4 hour break.

Then my in laws dropped by, which is okay, I don't mind but its still very stressful as I was working all weekend and even though I did get a bit of a break I would have much rather slept then entertained.

I slept most of Monday, but still suffered greatly from stress. I overate. I had 6 pop tarts yesterday. SIX at 200 calories each. I also ate a salad, a sandwich, and then I had two glasses of raspberry lemonade (at 110 calories a glass). Its my time of the month. I am incredibly bloated, miserable, and irritable. I pity anyone who dares to cross my path.

I am tired. Sick and tired of being tired. I am tired of going through my journey alone. I am tired of people telling me they arent on a diet or they dont want to worry about their weight loss. Ok, fine. But I am worrying about mine. I don't care if you want cookies and cake and pies, eat it elsewhere. I don't mind if you dont want to join Curves with me or whatever. It's okay.

But what I cannot do, is do this on my own. I can't sit here and tell you that I am okay with it. I am not. I dont have very many friends, no one really to turn to. I need someone to be by my side and make me do the shit I want to do that I have no gumption to do.

I broke down and cried today. I sobbed. Bawled. I told my husband how alone I was feeling how much I was struggling and no one seems to care (Note: PMSing this week. It seems so logical now...)

I told him I didn't give a shit anymore. I don't care how fat I get or how ugly I feel anymore. Fuck it. I don't care because no one else gives a damn. I am worked to the bone and pissed off that I can't even get the people closest to me to help out. Fuck it all. Then I threw my iPhone. It has a case on and works still, fyi.

I asked him to work out with me the other day and he said no. I was devastated. I accused him of being superficial and not being supportive and everything else.
I said I didn't care why should I bother no one else gives a damn I'm tired of being hungry of working out of not seeing results I am annoyed, angry, pissed off.

I want to be left alone. I want a hug. I want someone to support me and tell me I am doing well. I need someone to kick my ass into gear and just do it.

Hubby said that he would do all of that and more. I just had to tell him how I was feeling because he didn't know.

No one is trying to sabotage me. No one wants to see me fail. I was drowning in a moment of self pity and loathing. Luckily I have a hunky lifeguard to help pull me out of my lake of tears.

I am only so strong. I know I have what it takes to succeed. I have all the book knowledge and the numbers crunched I know what I need to do to win it. I know that I am capable of it. But I don't want to do it alone anymore. I'm tired of being lonely.

And that's it for my whining, loathing, self pity party. Tomorrow I will be back to me. I think its been a rough few days.

PS I ate amazingly well today and tracked it all. However I am feeling incredibly bloated and uncomfortable.