I've got an itch. Its a special kind of itch. There isn't any visible sign to it. No swelling, no rash. It's not a mosquito bite either.
Its almost like I *crave* movement. Like I just can't sit still. My foot is bouncing. My fingers drumming. I'm humming. Singing. Wanting to dance.
Maybe its cabin fever. Its been hot lately and with it being the weekend means I am pretty much house bound. I have been cleaning like crazy. I did the Wave. I am thinking I will do it again.
I have been moving a lot more in these last few days than I have in some time. I can't stop thinking about running. I cant stop thinking of swimming. Biking. Hiking. Curves. Tae Bo. I want to do it all.
It's almost like a craving.
In my head, I see the skinny me. The me I used to be. The one who is longing to return. In my visions, there are surprised faces, happy faces, jealous faces. They didn't think I could or I would but I can and I did. I see it. I see it so clearly.
I've gotten my resolve back. It took a little vacation, but it's back now. Maybe it was because I thought I would "get around to it eventually" Maybe its because I was putting the blame on others... "You don't care about me or you would do it with me"
Maybe it really is all about me. And I do have support. How can you blame someone for not wanting to exercise? Its not enjoyable at the time. Especially when they are already working all day or on their feet all of the time.
Its time for me to put on my big girl shoes and lace them up. Every fat person looks for the cure. The easy way. The magic pill.
It's not there. We don't need it. We have what we need. We just need to dig a little deeper. And not berate ourselves when we fail. Why are we so harsh on ourselves when it comes to what we put in our mouths, what we see in the mirror? I certainly don't do that with every aspect of my life. I don't say woe is me about my job, about my husband, about my apartment (construction and all) about my cats (hairballs and all). I am so happy with what life I have. I treasure it. I am not in a rush for things to change.
So why, when I look at the mirror, do I see failure? Why, when I look at the scale, do I see it staying the same or getting higher when I have been good all week? Why, if I am exercising so much, am I not seeing the results I want (the tummy trimming down)?
Maybe I am expecting too much. Who cares what the number on the scale says. No one but me needs to know what it says, anyway. Who cares if I am not losing lbs but continually lose lots of inches every month?
Whats the cure for the itch? Its movement. Movement and letting things flow. Life has its ups and downs, just like the scale. Its all about finding your zen place, your happy place, the balance.
Now if you dont mind, I'm going to go balance a load of laundry and a load of dishes.