One or the Other

It seems like I can't do two things at once. Which is not really a surprise, I'm not much of a multi-tasker. If you can believe it, I have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, though to be honest, I really just have trouble walking. Curse you, clumsiness!

I have noticed something though, as I track my food and exercise, there is a disturbing trend. You see, I either eat really well, stay under my calories for the day... OR.... I exercise but go over my calories. I can't seem to do both. If I exercise a lot and create a deficit, I spend the rest of the day freaking out about how much hungrier I seem to be. And I can't stop eating. While its not like I go to a buffet and eat 2 of every item, I still can't stop at 1500 calories. For instance, say I ride my bike for 20 minutes and burn 250 calories. I would eat all of those 250 calories back later, which doesnt help me loose weight.

It's frustrating because I want to lose weight, I know I can, but it seems like I haven't gotten anywhere. I keep gaining/losing the same 10 lbs over and over again. I feel like quitting. It sucks to even admit that I am a quitter, but that's how I feel. I have to acknowledge that feeling.

But don't worry, I won't quit.

As I step on the scale and notice the weight staying stubbornly in the 220s, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Not so much as in I am defective, but maybe I'm approaching this wrong? Part of me wants a quick-fix now. And believe me, I have that option available to me. My insurance covers weight loss surgery. So there is always that route. But it feels like I would be cheating. Besides I've done surgery and it doesn't cure anything ever. Ask my ankle! It helps but you are not cured or fixed or 100% ever again. It's invasive, and there are lots of medications involved. And lets not forget the pain.

No, surgery isn't an option. It's appealing, but only in that daydream sort of way, where you think its all rainbows and butterflies and frolicking through the fields, but you forget that before all of that it's all thunderstorms and lightning, sobbing alone in the dark while you pity yourself and just beg for it all to be over.

I had a point and then I lost it. Wait, there it is. One or the Other. Catchy title.

I'm having trouble multi-tasking. I can't seem to do both exercise and eating right. And that is what is killing me. Stalling me. Making me miserable.