Thursday, May 19, 2011

I don't know what to make of this blog any more. I mean, it was always a healthy living/weight loss blog with just a little bit of everything else thrown in.

I dont know what to write about any more. I'm obviously not trying to lose weight now that I am pregnant and I am still trying to eat better, especially more now that I am expecting. It's so weird. I feel like I have lost part of my identity. Just hang with me while I try to figure out who this new person is. Not just the one growing inside of me, but the mother I have to become.

Being a mom is something I am ... not looking forward to. I don't know if I will be a 'good' mom or not. I know I will try my hardest to be. What is a good mom? Is a good mom someone who is a great example or is she just someone who provides the best she can, with all the love she can?

I don't know. Maybe both. I'll have to figure it out. I never planned on having children this early, and this pregnancy came at a very difficult time financially. I will just have to do the best that I can do with what I have. I know that everything- in the end- will be alright. I just pray that I am doing the right thing now.

I still havent seen a doctor, and I can't until we get insurance. I just don't have the money to go. But that's okay. I'm focused on health(ier) eating, and taking my prenatal vitamin, drinking lots of water, and getting rest. The exercise I am not doing so well on. Like usual, its hard to multi-task for me. I find my appetite these days lacking, and feeling full faster, and usually nauseous after. I don't vomit, but I do feel really queasy and have to lay down for a while. I tried eating more often, and smaller meals, but somedays it's all I can manage to eat once. I do drink lots of water to stay hydrated. I have been steady at 223 lbs. anywhere from 223-224 for the last week or so, and that's good. I read in Your Pregnancy: Week by Week if a woman is obese she should only gain 15-20 lbs for the pregnancy. I am aiming for the low end (15) since I am already on the high end of obesity, but I won't know for sure until I can get into the doctor. This is why choosing what to eat now is so important. I have to pick healthy foods now, especially since I am not feeling so great, until I am told how much to gain.

I feel like part of me is missing, or maybe it's just become something else? I'm trying hard to figure out what that might be. I don't know. I feel blah... and icky... and... lots of other things. I'm very scared.

I know I'll be alright though, logically. Women have been having babies since the dawn of time, and I am sure if an animal can care for its offspring I will be able to, too. I just got to keep telling myself that.

Brian has today off, and I think I will ask him kindly if he will bring in all the baby stuff so I can take pics of it and upload it. How does that sound? Cheerful, right? Baby clothes make me happy. It will be a picture heavy post, so I am warning you now... better put aside a few moments to look at it all.


  1. I hope that you get to see a doctor very soon! Is there no one out there who can see you for free?

    I'm looking forward to seeing the baby things pictures. :-)

  2. Hi Chika! Good to hear from you. Whatever you decide to blog about, having a child is part of your journey, and we all appreciate you sharing it with the world -whatever it may be. I can offer 2 suggestions: 1) Find a community clinic. They'll help set you up with state sponsored, low income maternity care. That's what it's there for. It's a hand up for responsible people like you. You pay into it with your taxes, so it is there for you should you need it. Go for it. LOTS of people are on state insurance now due to the economy - it isn't a measure of being a "dead beat" because you need help. Right now, qualify for all the help you can get - the money you save could be baby's college fund!)
    2)Maybe you could make a "date night" that's all about you guys - rather than about buying baby stuff and family planning? It may feel awkward at first - a therapist I once had recommended starting with spending 1 hour a day w/ no screens on, and nothing with speech. No phone calls, no talking w/ your spouse, nothing. At first, it's really awkward, but after 1 day a week, spending 1-2 hours with instrumental music, either alone or with your spouse, you'd be amazed at the sense of peace and acceptance that sinks in! (You could fill this time with a bubble bath and a good book, couples' massages, etc. There are SO many ways we communicate that don't involved words.)
    Hang in there! You don't have to have everything figured out before the baby comes - no mom does. ;)

  3. I'm sure there is a women's free clinic or something out where you live. Please look into it. Prenatal care is vital to the health of your baby. Listen, I don't know what your political views are, but Planned Parenthood is not JUST abortions. In fact, only 3 percent of its services are abortion services, the rest of it is women's health, including prenatal care for women who don't have health insurance.


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