Acceptance

Yesterday, I cried because none of my clothes fit. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes.
Brian let me use some of the money we got from the baby shower as money for new clothes, bless his heart.
I bought a couple of sweaters and a couple pairs of jeans and I should have them by next Wednesday.
I paid a whopping $2 for shipping :)

Lately, weight gain has been pressing on my mind. I am stressed about it, I think. I've spent so long trying not to be fat and to lose weight that the very idea of gaining it all back (and then some!) has been horrifying. I know it's for the baby. I know it's different because I am not getting fatter. I am supporting a life. I know this. But it also makes me very sad. I feel like I am at the bottom of a very big hole and only have my hands to dig me out.

You can tell that it is not "fat" weight I am gaining, but baby weight when you look at my pictures. Here I will show you.

5/14/09

baby shower, 9/24/11

As a point of comparison, here I am last fall, right before I joined Weight Watchers.

9/2010

So I know that I am not "back to where I was" yet some days I still find it hard to accept that I am up at my highest weight ever. And likely will surpass it.  I think my face is fatter last year than it is this year.

It's a struggle daily, but I think I am coming to grips with it. I know I was fat before I got pregnant, I know I will gain weight while pregnant, and I am sure I am going to be fat immediately after I have the baby. I know I will lose *some* weight (whatever Drake weighs when he is born hehe)

What is really pressing on my mind is the gestational diabetes. While only 5-10% of women get it, I am still concerned I might be one of those women. Having diabetes is a very real health scare for me, whether it's gestational or not. I'm very terrified to be diabetic. But if I am, I am. And that just means getting on track and getting it under control.

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. Today, I'm back to being normal. I feel normal. With the exception of having this infernal heart burn and a constantly congested head, I feel like I am not even pregnant. I actually woke up with heart burn today. Weird.... but you know what? They say the amount of heart burn a mother has while pregnant correlates to the amount of hair the baby has when the baby is born. A load of crock, because my mom had heart burn every day and I was bald for the first 2 years of my life lol. Brian was born with a full head of hair, of course. So we will probably have a mix and our kid will look like he has mange or something. I'm kidding. But that would be hilarious.

Today was a lot of fun. We went to my mom's to help them move my grandma in. Brian, my uncle, his girlfriend, and my dad did all the work, while the Three Stooges (me mom and gamma) sat around and supervised. We were all pretty useless. Me, the most. I didn't life anything except 1 basket of laundry. Hahaha. Poor Brian got the brunt of the hard work, being the youngest male there. He had to lift dressers, mattresses, lamps, mirrors, etc. He even carried a huge box tv up my parents' Suicidal Staircase.

We got a bench and a small 3-drawer dresser. The bench has been in the family forever and passed back and forth between my mom, me and my gamma, and now it's back to me. I am so excited. I love this bench. My mom was teasing "don't be selling it!" As if I would! The dresser is lovely as well, a dark wood finish. I love dark wood. Brian was teasing the baby had more furniture, and it was better quality than what we have! haha

So it was a good day. Mom made us a nacho feast for all of our hard work (to be honest, I should have been cooking since I didn't do ANYTHING, but oh well!)

And... end ramble.