Saturday, October 1, 2011

What's Really Wrong?

Oh today is an awful day. I don't know what it is, actually. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's working almost twice as many hours as I am used to. Maybe it's a little of everything.

I woke up and couldn't find clothes that fit. Even my maternity clothes just don't really fit as well as they used to. It's depressing. I know it's because I am pregnant and not fat, but that doesn't make my clothes magically fit again. They still don't fit. I tried to find more clothes online but they are all stupid expensive and I am now worried none of them will fit me because I am only going to get bigger from here on out.

I worked a few hours and became so frustrated that I ended up taking a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my marbles. I tried to make toast. I thought I'd be all cool and make toast with jelly and put on a sausage patty and make a breakfast sandwich thing... which is normally very good, and I was craving one. Except, somehow, my hand failed at holding the jar of jelly and it dropped, breaking into a thousand pieces of glass and globs of jelly went everywhere.

I had a bagel, instead.

The Xanax wasn't helping. I was just as frustrated as before, except now I was sleepy. This, of course, didn't help my bad mood any.

The dog hates me. Every time he sees me he starts shaking and twitching. One would think I beat the poor thing every time I turn around, but I don't. I know it's just because he is a shelter dog and was probably abused or maybe he's just sensitive. I don't know. But it's frustrating. Part of me knows it's nothing I've done, but another part of me makes me feel like it's some how my fault.

So finally, all of that, all at once, just caused me to lose it. I just started crying. Uncontrollably. After about ten minutes of this and lots of hugs and kisses from Brian as well as promises to go clothes shopping with me tomorrow, he finally calmed me down. Then my Xanax kicked in.

And now I am feeling pretty good. Still tired, eyes are sore, still need a break from work... but at least I don't feel like I am going off the deep end anymore.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have a shaky dog, but at least he isn't eating our clothes any more and doesn't piss on the floor. My clothes don't fit me, but I work from home anyway. I didn't really want jelly, as we don't have any peanut butter. I had a good cry and can see things a little clearer now.

I am still sad of course that I don't have any clothes but I am not going to worry about it. I am going to just do what I can and maybe buy a couple of pieces in the plus sized section, since they are so much cheaper than maternity clothes. The biggest challenge is the winter coat. Winter coats are stupid expensive for maternity.

Okay, I need to get some fresh air. It's about 55 degrees out and perfect weather for a little jaunt around the complex, and I think Max would appreciate a walk too. I know it would help me out both mentally and physically. Maybe my feet won't swell up so bad if I walk a little more. First things first... I need an apple.

Tomorrow will be all rainbows and sunshine again, I promise. My grandma is moving and she needs us to help her out, so I'll be doing some light moving for exercise. Thanks for listening. Reading. Skimming through.

1 comment:

  1. Glad things turned around for you! I'm overdue for a good cry. I'm sure it'll happen soon, with all that's going on. Probably once things settle down in a couple weeks, I'll let myself be a mess for one evening or something. Yesterday was HARD! When Clydas was in so much pain and I felt SO BAD for him... I know it was the best thing for him, but I feel like such a schmuck about it sometimes.

    I've read that dogs become stranger and stranger as their human's pregnancies near the end, so Max's odd behavior kind of makes sense. Maybe that's his "attention seeking" behavior?
    (Maybe someone moved the dog out when they moved the baby in and he's scared?)


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