Friday, March 23, 2012

In Hindsight

I must have been depressed for a long time, like before I got pregnant. I know that now... but I didn't really know it then.

I know now that I was really depressed... probably more so than I had ever been in my entire life.

The turning point for me, in realizing I needed help, was when I was looking at Brian and he was saying that he was going to bed, leaving me with a screaming infant for the 4th day in a row with very little help from him... and I thought how much easier my life would be if I had never married him.


Brian is my world. I love him so much, I really can't imagine life without him. I was thinking that he was the problem to my unhappiness, that's how depressed I was. When in reality, he didn't know I needed help because I never asked. I was the one who was in pain and needing to say so. I was the one who was causing my own anguish.

Anyway, since I realized that I must be really depressed if I was thinking of what life would be like with out my husband, my darling husband, who I could not imagine ever losing before, I went and got on Paxil.

And after a week or so, it really started to help. I take it every day, religiously. I have too much to lose if I don't. And I feel like myself again. Really myself again. Laughing at everything, wanting to be close to people, wanting to talk to everyone, wanting to get out and do things.... you know, feeling like a normal person again.

Brian even told me that it's been a long time since he's seen me this happy. He is really glad to have me back. I told him the same as well... I told him everything I had been thinking and feeling and now, he is much more patient and helpful. We sit close to each other again. We hold hands and kiss. It feels like we are dating again, like it used to feel.

Depression is a scary thing. It can sneak up on you and destroy you. It takes a lot of courage to say you need help... but oh my god, is it worth it... Yes. Yes it is.

It's so much better to live instead of just existing.

1 comment:

  1. Depression is a very scary thing. I've been wrestling with it since I got back from vacation. Working 7 days a week, plus dealing with house buying uncertainty (We love the house, but buying it means that I will DEFINATELY Need to keep my job full time - and I was so looking to cut back and focus on my writing. :( ). It's not a chemical thing with me though. I mean it is and it isn't. Situational depression is COMPLETELY normal for the amount of stress I'm under, but I'm still able to laugh and have a good time - especially when I take time to work out and get the "good feeling" hormones going. Then I can think much more clearly and feel less and less overwhelmed.


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