Steady On

Hmmm... let's start this off by being completely honest: I quit tracking Weight Watchers weeks ago. I quit moderating my food intake. I was all wrapped up in clearing up my depression, taking care of my son and husband, and trying to maintain a somewhat clean house. At least- keeping up with dishes, laundry, I'm not the best housewife, nor do I even pretend.

Anyway, all that being said, is it really any surprise that I regained all of my weight I had lost? No. Is it a surprise I didn't gain more? You bet. Is it shocking then, when I stepped on the scale yesterday, it said I was at 235, exactly where I was when I quit caring? Uh, yeah. Yeah that one was a bit of a surprise.

So I have been steady. Not losing weight, not gaining weight. Well, actually I have. Up down up down, maintaining somewhere in the 235-240 range. Steady.

Since I saw the number on the scale, I started tracking again. I've only got 2 days in this week, but that's two days more than I have been tracking. Also, my mom paid for my WW subscription so I should um... use it.

Right? Right.

My lovely friend Carissa mentioned how she was going to Zumba a few nights a week. I tried Zumba on my 23rd birthday and ended up wrenching my knee. Other than that, I had a lovely time and really enjoyed both the actual class and also the Kinect game for the Xbox. Of course I asked her what days she goes. Currently she goes on days I can't, but I am sure that Brian would be willing to re-arrange his schedule at work so I could go. I know that seems a little ... haughty of me, but it's really not. Brian is always begging me to get out more anyway, so this will give him the feeling of him really helping me out, plus I get to see my gorgeous friend again. I miss her so much.

You know how you have that one friend who always sort of makes you feel like a huge cow when you are standing next to her? Who always makes you feel self conscious about your weight, clothes, or whatever? Like you are "the fat girl" and she's "the hot one"? Well, I've never felt that way about Carissa, even though she is literally probably half my size. When I'm with Carissa, I actually feel like myself- confident, sexy, gorgeous. The real me. Probably because she and I get along on so many levels.

I'd really like to be able to get out with her and have some fun with her again. I know it would boost my confidence and help me get out of the house more.

I ran out of magic pills today aka Paxil and I could really tell a difference. Even though I got a load of sleep today, I still feel ... blah. And icky. And sad. Lonely. Out of touch. It was only today that I was out, but man... I felt... wrong. I think I really need them. Luckily, I am getting a refill tomorrow, so that should put me to rights.

I've been reading. A lot. And I love reading. A lot. It makes me want to write. A lot. I keep bouncing around ideas in my head trying to piece together a story. I think that I know what format I would write it in, it would have to be first person. It's really the only perspective I am good at and comfortable with. Unless I did a children's story. Which I might, and Brian could illustrate it. Wouldn't that be awesome??? Imagine if we got that published. I keep laughing at the idea that I would write a children's story, because the other genre I'd write would probably end up in the romance/erotica section. Oh well, romance leads to children sometimes right? ;)

But anyway, every once in awhile (okay, about once an hour) I get a little snippet of an idea in my head and I write it down. What ever it is, wherever I am, I write down the core idea, in as much detail as I can, and if a whole paragraph or thought comes out of it, I continue to write. Then I save it on my computer. I don't edit anything, I just write to write. Okay, that's a lie. I edit spelling mistakes. The ideas aren't always of the same story or they might be, I don't know. It's more like descriptions of people or places, not really a concept or a story arc. I'm hoping that a) it will help me flesh out a story idea and b) that it will stimulate my brain juices and get my writing skills a-going.

I got my beloved little boy to laugh again today. He was so happy and cheerful just about everything I did made him laugh. It was precious. He really loves it when you touch his nose. And he has started grabbing his toys when they are handed to him, which is exciting. He loves this Pooh rattle. It's just Pooh's head and arms wrapped around a silky red blankie that is velvety and soft. He sticks the Pooh head in his mouth.

Good Lord this post just rambles on doesn't it? But that's what I get for not blogging in a few days, all my thoughts sort of jumble together. I'm off to bed. I figure I got maybe 2 hours of sleep before the spawn wakes up demanding a bottle.