Saturday, October 6, 2012

Too Fat To Bleed

I have a confession to make. I didn't suddenly get my ass in gear and start tracking calories and exercising because I decided "This is the day!"

....I started tracking because last month, something very scary happened to me. I didn't get my period. I am normally VERY regular. So regular in fact, I knew when I was pregnant, though I tried to deny it. I am so regular, that I don't even bother to track when my period is supposed to begin. It's like a bill- it ALWAYS is due the same date. 

I am on the pill, and I was reasonably certain I wasn't pregnant. I didn't feel the same as the first time I was knocked up, and I certainly wasn't getting any action in the bedroom (I had a yeast infection). 

But still, because the thought of having more children literally turns my stomach and makes me vomit out of sheer panic, I bought some pregnancy tests and peed on one a day for the next 7 days. Still no period, and definitely not pregnant. 

I was officially too fat to have a period. I knew that is what it was, because what other reason was there? I wasn't stressed (save for the whole "missing menstruation" thing) and my habits hadn't changed. 
I didn't know what would have been worse at this point: to be knocked up again, or to come to terms with my weight causing my period to stop. I decided it was actually worse I was too fat to bleed, because at least a baby brings joy and happiness. Being so fat you can't ovulate or shed your uterine lining... no bright side there. Unless you really hate buying tampons.

I hopped on the scale and the number stared back at me: 252 pounds. 

I was closer to 300 than I was to 200. I had to admit that I was miserable, even though I had clothes that fit, and my husband was still attracted to me. I've been treating my depression, but my depression is a symptom, not a cause. The cause is my weight. It's always there, in the back of my mind. 

I decided I needed to get my ass in gear because there really wasn't any where else for me to go but down. When would I stop this cycle? When I couldn't walk upstairs anymore? When I needed a cane to help support my immense girth? When I couldn't wipe my own ass anymore? When I couldn't leave the house? When I become diabetic?

....But none of that scared me. It totally should though. I should be terrified of that existence. What really scared me, was not having my lady week. To say "oh well" and just enjoy being period free... ending up getting pregnant, and having a toilet baby because I become so fat and massive that I mistake baby kicks as indigestion? Yes, that absolutely terrifies me. 

That, and I am pretty sure my husband would leave me if I became a living Jabba the Hutt, because he is so good looking that he could definitely find another woman in a finger snap. 

I set a goal for myself. To lose 104 pounds. I am going to weigh 148. I am going to have a BMI of 25. That is my promise. And it is one I am going to keep.


  1. It's frightening to get that true wake up call. I have no doubt you'll reach goal. (And your husband may be able to find another girl, but no one as witty and cool as you no matter what your size is-FAIL!!)

  2. Happy Birthday fellow Libra, mine was 10/01 and I turned 50. How funny we are in the same boat 25 years apart. I 'm going through perimenapause , so periods are just.... whenever. But since I was gaining weight, I did a preg test just to be sure I didn't have an excuse. Crazy.

    Hang in there . I hate saying starting over because if we are starting over , we might end up in the same shape as before. I did lose 135 lbs and got to my lowest in 30 years at 210 lbs. But stress, depression, injury, rebound eating after dieting has led me to regain about 60 lbs. I'm just learning now that that was probably the lowest my body could tolerate. I'm at it again too.

    good luck

  3. You'll get there. One day - one good decision at a time. You want Drake to be embarassed by his mom's hottness when he's a teen, right?! ;)

  4. Happy Belated Birthday and best of luck with your weight loss journey! You are super beautiful and super FUNNY and I love reading your posts! Best of luck!


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