Don't Panic

Someone please tattoo this on my forehead. Although I may never leave the house again if you do.

Last night I was to go to the gym. I got dressed, I got all my stuff around, I put on my coat and scarf and headed out the door. And when I got to the car, I stopped. I had a panic attack. Full blown anxiety, just POOF! out of nowhere.

I didn't want. to. go. I didn't want. to. leave. I was terrified of leaving. So I chickened out and then I went back inside the apartment and Brian asked why I didn't leave. I told him it was too icy out. It had been raining all day and the temps fell at night, so it was plausible it was icy. It really wasn't.

But he didn't question it and I went to get ready to go to bed. After a while though, the guilt of lying ate me up. And I started crying. I confessed it was really just a panic attack and I have been having a lot of them lately. I start thinking about doing things (going to the gym, getting a job, traveling, going to the store) and then I get all queasy and I stop.

I am a hermit. I've been hermitized.

What it really boils down to is I need a car of my own. I've been so stuck at home that its become really the only place that I feel...normal? in. Venturing out makes me anxious and irritable, especially if I go alone.


so, there. A confession.

Now I need to work on a solution. Besides getting a car, because that is not going to happen for a while.

Excited!!

If you've read this blog for any length of time you will know that I am sort of a ...homebody. And that working from home has its definite benefits and drawbacks. One is that it seems to be so hard to get reacquainted with the traditional workforce. 

I am pleased to announce that I am going for an interview tomorrow, which caught me totally off guard. However, I made the interviewer laugh over the phone, so that is always a good sign. Someone with a sense of humor is someone I definitely want to work for. 

The only thing I'm ...worried?... nervous?...unsure about is how I would fit in in this environment. I will say this: I want this and I need this and it may just be a more than subtle push in the right direction. Let's hope that things will go accordingly. Yes? Yes. Wish me luck. Noon, EST.

This title is unrelated.

I feel loads better. I've been loading up on OTC meds to keep myself at a functional, minimally-snotty level so I can be a parent. It's working.

I have been battling insomnia. This is likely due to my over-analyzing of everything. Money, work, new jobs, watching Doctor Who, playing Fallout 3, debating on making more YouTube videos, applying for new jobs, teaching Drake new things, formulating new ideas to keep him from pissing himself 4+ times a night.... The list goes on. Basically I worry about EVERYTHING.

I haven't been outside in a few days. I refuse to leave the house when I am sick. I just want to limit my exposure to others and also I feel like crap and I don't care for social interaction anyway.

Drake has 2 new teeth in, and two more on the way. that will make a total of twelve. He's also becoming more .... I'd say talkative, but not in a true language sense. He babbles a lot more, and we don't talk to him in baby talk any more. We talk to him like he is able to talk back. He certainly understands. My proudest achievement to date is teaching him to "bring it here" and "give that to Mama" and he will do it most times. My heart swells and my love for him grows on a daily, momentary basis. I can't believe how much I love him, and how much I will love him tomorrow. It really brings me to tears, to know what true love is. And Brian just melts my heart even further. He is such a good father, he is really starting to get into the playing and teaching aspect.

I still need good thoughts and prayers for Brian to get this job. I will sacrifice a goat if I have to. I don't know where I will find a goat in the city, but maybe I can find a leg of lamb or something and roast it up in offering to the Job Gods. I also need good thoughts and prayers for myself, because I realize the more I stay home the more hermit like I become.

Example: I was at the gym and running on the treadmill. It hurt my shins really badly, and I needed to stop and switch to an elliptical to continue my workout. But the row of ellipticals is in front of the row of treadmills, and there were a lot of people on treadmills. I panicked because all of these people would SEE ME switching from the treadmill to the elliptical and JUDGE ME. Look... logically I know that most of those people don't give a rat's ass that I swap machines. No one at my gym even talks to each other or looks at each other and that is why I like it so much. But I have grown so accustomed to not being around more than 2 people at any given time, that I freaked out and my logic circuits fried and I was left debating. Do I continue on the treadmill  possibly injuring myself for the sake of other people's judgement? Do I swap machines and finish my work out and get things done? Do I act like I was done with the treadmill anyway and go on and lift some weights and work my way back to the elliptical after? Eventually, I did what I wanted to and just swapped to the elliptical, judgement be damned.

But this proves to me, among other things, that I need a real job outside the home. I am getting pretty desperate for one, to the point I am considering working in fast food. Like this fatty needs to be surrounded by fast food, or even work in a restaurant... but I will persevere. I will get another job.

Anyway, now that I can breathe out of at least one nostril, 85% of the time, I am going to go back to the gym tonight and run my butt off. This time on the elliptical. And I am going to do some strength training as well, because I want to burn more calories without any extra effort one day.

Send Good Thoughts and Throat Drops

Brian has an interview next week. This is the sort of job that we need. Believe me, I am praying hard core for this to come to fruition for us. If he got in, at the very least, it would double his income. Yes, double it. Next Thursday he has an informational meeting and Friday there is a phone interview. Please send good thoughts because I really want him to get this job, he really wants this job, and we really need this to happen.

I started training for my 5K the other day, and dammmmmn. I haven't ever run on a treadmill before and there is a reason for that. It hurts my shins like none other! I was starting to think maybe it was because I can't run, being fat and out of shape. Or maybe I am not capable of running, but that is a dirty rotten lie and I know it.
Y'see, I used to run all the time. I was in marching band and color guard, so running? Not optional. Mandatory. Last year, before I got pregnant I was running. Outside. Because I was training for a 5K.

I am going to run that damn 5K. I will train on the elliptical until the weather gets warm enough and I get confident enough to take it to the actual race trail. Then I will practice there. Running until I can't stand it anymore. And I will celebrate. There will be victories this year, friends. Only victories.

I am surprisingly not feeling well! I don't know what it is, but I woke up this morning with a huge sore throat. Every time I cough, I get bloody mucus, which sounds only half as terrifying as it looks, I promise. I have been inhaling water like its been going out of style and Brian was sweet enough to let me dope myself up with some NyQuil and sleep all day until he had to work.

I'm hoping its nothing serious, like my throat cells are cracked and bleeding maybe like a cracked heel or a cut in the skin... and that it's simply trying to repair itself but all the DAMNED SWALLOWING I am doing is interfering with the process. Seriously, I swallow every two seconds it seems.

The worst part about being sick as a parent isn't that no one takes care of you... it's that "oh shit I hope my kid doesn't get this" moment that you have every 1.5 nanoseconds it seems.

But Drake hasn't been acting any different than usual and he eats EVERYTHING so I am sure its only me who is feeling like a bag of shit lately. Hope I get better soon, because I don't want to spend any money on dr's visits. That shit is expensive without insurance, you know.

On a positive note, I lost 4 lbs this week. I was on my lady time, so naturally I swelled up like a balloon, but once the bloat subsided and I returned to earth from floating about the atmosphere, I ended up with a huge LOSS. Fantastic!! Woohoo! I credit most of it to the JM cleanse I am doing, but also the whole getting to the gym, exercising, and not eating like a fucking pig thing too.

Oink. Okay, I am going to go pass out again. Hoping that I can get to the gym tonight. I can't skip a training.

Life with Baby

Baby Murphy's Law

States that whenever parent lays down, baby will wake from nap the moment the parent's head hits the pillow.

Satanic Entertainment

Where the batteries in the annoying toys finally begin to die, but the fuckers don't just stop working. No, they play their jingles and songs with deliberate slowness, off-key notes, and all cutesy laughs turn into El Diablo come huntin' for your SOUL.

Assume the Position

When your child grabs his feet and presents his tiny ass to you to wipe, powder, and cream. All while laughing. Yes, Mom. Spread that cream all over. Oh wait. I wanted to eat some too.

Toilet Training

Learning what a magical item the toilet is. Whenever you accidentally leave the lid up, or even for a split second while you are pulling up your pants, your child has dove head first into the (sometimes very recently used) water and splashes around in it. Gag.


Technological Einstein

When child knows your expensive gadgetry better than you do. 4 finger swipe? Don't mind if I do. Mom's checking the news/weather/gossip? Switch between the active apps. Tired of Netflix? Turn off the PlayStation 3. Facetiming with Grandparents? Hang up on them when bored, which is approximately 30 seconds after the call has connected. Grab mom's phone? Locked the sim, and somehow used all the attempts to unlock it.

Positive Self-Image

Oh it looks like you have a camera, Mom. I am going to make an incredibly cheesy cute smile. Yes, take the picture. Now, unless you show it to me exactly 2 seconds after it's been taken, I will throw a hissy fit on the floor and cry. Ah yes, that one was okay. Take another. Repeat.

Shameless

When you put your child to bed fully clothed, yet he wakes up bare ass naked EVERY TIME. Diaper included. Usually playing with diaper.


Personal Hygiene 

Baby wants bath. Parent draws bath; undresses child, puts in bath with toys. Child stands in the tub and pisses, then wants out. Parent then proceeds to take child out of bath; child wants to now play in piss water. Parent gives up, and starts drinking from hip flask.


And my personal favorite....


Grandparent-itis

Condition in which child is inflicted with every time a visit with grandparents ends. Child refuses to get back on his normal schedule. Sleeping? Grandma lets me stay up all night.

I don't know about you, but my kid gets grandparent-itis every other week. Its a recurring condition. But hey, it means I have a night off every other Saturday, so I won't be searching for a cure any time soon.

Back and Milestones

Well that was a nice 2 month break from blogging. I had deleted my blog but un-deleted it, because Google can do that.

Let's see, a brief (ha) description of the events that have transpired these last two months:

I love the gym. I try and go at least 3 times a week, although we did get some snow/ice after Christmas and that prevented me from going for a few days (a week, actually)

I got a set of kettle bell weights along with Jillian Michaels' Shred it with Weights dvd... it kicks ass -literally! I do the 5 lb kettle bell and the next day I am so sore! I have a 10 lb and 15 lb ball that I have yet to touch.

If I go to the gym at least 3x a week, I do perfectly fine without my depression medication. If I don't go for a few days in a row or longer, it sets back in and then I need my pills or a quick gym fix. So far, working out has been fantastic for my depression and I hope that I can only keep going. Once the demotivation kicks in, it's very hard to pull myself out of it, and it quickly spirals into depression.

We got a cat, although that may be short lived now. Our friends moved to a new apartment, and didn't want to pay the pet deposit so we adopted their furball. They were also expecting their first child, but they had a miscarriage and now they want the cat back. We get to keep the furball for another month, until they can sort out the pet deposit, then he is going back to his home.

Christmas was insane. We had 3 of them this year. On the 22nd with my family, on the 25th I hosted for Brian's family, and then on the 27th we went to his grandparents in Valpo.

We had a smallish...medium?... get together on New Year's Eve. Our apartment has kind of become a hub on Monday nights anyway, where our friends all come over and I make some sort of delicious food and freak out about cleaning, and they play games or watch some retarded show/movie (Ancient Aliens, anyone?)

New Year's day is my dad's birthday and we took him to dinner on the Saturday before. Drake's first birthday was Jan 5, and he was truly spoiled.

He walks now. He runs, actually. Like a lot. Everywhere. We are eating with forks and spoons, and he is into climbing on everything. He plays really well with the cat (surprisingly gentle for a baby) and the dog always makes him laugh.

Speaking of running, I signed up for my first 5K in March, called the 5 Kilt, and it takes place on Saturday March 16. I am terrified and absolutely excited. I have never in my life thought I would want to run a race, but over the last few years I have really wanted to. It is on my Bucket List for 2013 and I am doing it. I have started training and my goal is just to finish. Preferably running, but finishing nonetheless. A huge motivator for me is knowing my son will be at the finish line waiting for me. It makes me cry now, thinking about it, I can't imagine what will happen that day. I will probably be so tired, exhausted, and in shock that I will throw up all over him. In joy.

I'm still a huge fat ass, but I have lost a few pounds and I am really trying to follow my personal trainer's advice. 2 days of heavy cardio, 1 day of strength training + moderate cardio, and 10K steps a day. I average a measly 500 at home all day, so that is really the challenging part.

I've been so far behind on EVERYONE'S blogs, the only one that I even manage to read occasionally is the Beer Bitch's blog, simply because she plasters it all over facebook so I click the link :)

We are doing so much better money wise. Not only were we really blessed at Christmas with money from nearly everyone, we started using cash-only. That means we cash Brian's paychecks and immediately put them away. Out of sight, out of mind. We only put money in the bank when we need to pay a bill, since most of them are online anyway.

We entered a 3 month payoff plan with Best Buy- they canceled 30% of our debt, and we owe them $310 a month, for three months. Then it's done, gone, poof! Paid off. At first we were freaking out, like how can we afford this, but since I said we do cash only... suddenly we are spending WAY less.

We get an awesome tax return this year for popping out a kid, and we will not only be able to pay off all of our credit card debt, but probably have enough left over to make a few extra payments on Brian's car.

My Goals for 2013 are very specific.

-Get out of all consumer debt (credit cards, car) <-- This is a priority
-Run a 5K <--This is to prove to myself that I can do anything
-Get a new/second job <--This is because I am a money whore and need more money.
-Lose 50 lbs. <--This is not negotiable.
-Learn to sew <--Because it is faster than crocheting.
-Make at least 1 quilt <-- Because I want to decorate my house in 8-bit video game geekiness.

So far, I look at my goals every day and I think to myself at the end of the day "What have I done today that progresses my goals? What can I do better, tomorrow?" and it's working. Especially when I am thinking about how badly I need that chocolate bar... and I say, nope, this isn't going to make me healthy, it's not going toward my goal.

Also, I paint now. Like, a lot. I've done two paintings. And I am actually really good at it. It's something I guess I have a bit of natural talent for and that makes me happy.

Anyway, there is my "short" update... aren't you all glad that I took a hiatus? No more, you say? Okay :)