This is good for ...who?

Normally, on Mondays, Brian works a long shift. 11 am - 8 pm (usually even later). However, last couple of weeks he has only been working 11-4.

Me: What do you want to do today?
Him: I don't know.
Me: I'm not used to having you home so early.
Him: I know, it's nice
Me: I don't know what to do with all this time together.
Him: Me either! What do we doooo?
Me: I don't know!!
Him: Do you want to go on a w-a-l-k?
Me: That's a great idea.
Me: It's such a nice day out.
Him: I know
Me: And it would be great for You-Know-Who too!
Him: Max?
Me: No, Voldemort.
Him: ..... Seriously?



If anyone needs a little sunshine and exercise, it's Voldemort. :) And no, I am not still obsessed with Harry Potter, what makes you think that? ;)

Acceptance

Yesterday, I cried because none of my clothes fit. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes.
Brian let me use some of the money we got from the baby shower as money for new clothes, bless his heart.
I bought a couple of sweaters and a couple pairs of jeans and I should have them by next Wednesday.
I paid a whopping $2 for shipping :)

Lately, weight gain has been pressing on my mind. I am stressed about it, I think. I've spent so long trying not to be fat and to lose weight that the very idea of gaining it all back (and then some!) has been horrifying. I know it's for the baby. I know it's different because I am not getting fatter. I am supporting a life. I know this. But it also makes me very sad. I feel like I am at the bottom of a very big hole and only have my hands to dig me out.

You can tell that it is not "fat" weight I am gaining, but baby weight when you look at my pictures. Here I will show you.

5/14/09

baby shower, 9/24/11

As a point of comparison, here I am last fall, right before I joined Weight Watchers.

9/2010

So I know that I am not "back to where I was" yet some days I still find it hard to accept that I am up at my highest weight ever. And likely will surpass it.  I think my face is fatter last year than it is this year.

It's a struggle daily, but I think I am coming to grips with it. I know I was fat before I got pregnant, I know I will gain weight while pregnant, and I am sure I am going to be fat immediately after I have the baby. I know I will lose *some* weight (whatever Drake weighs when he is born hehe)

What is really pressing on my mind is the gestational diabetes. While only 5-10% of women get it, I am still concerned I might be one of those women. Having diabetes is a very real health scare for me, whether it's gestational or not. I'm very terrified to be diabetic. But if I am, I am. And that just means getting on track and getting it under control.

Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. Today, I'm back to being normal. I feel normal. With the exception of having this infernal heart burn and a constantly congested head, I feel like I am not even pregnant. I actually woke up with heart burn today. Weird.... but you know what? They say the amount of heart burn a mother has while pregnant correlates to the amount of hair the baby has when the baby is born. A load of crock, because my mom had heart burn every day and I was bald for the first 2 years of my life lol. Brian was born with a full head of hair, of course. So we will probably have a mix and our kid will look like he has mange or something. I'm kidding. But that would be hilarious.

Today was a lot of fun. We went to my mom's to help them move my grandma in. Brian, my uncle, his girlfriend, and my dad did all the work, while the Three Stooges (me mom and gamma) sat around and supervised. We were all pretty useless. Me, the most. I didn't life anything except 1 basket of laundry. Hahaha. Poor Brian got the brunt of the hard work, being the youngest male there. He had to lift dressers, mattresses, lamps, mirrors, etc. He even carried a huge box tv up my parents' Suicidal Staircase.

We got a bench and a small 3-drawer dresser. The bench has been in the family forever and passed back and forth between my mom, me and my gamma, and now it's back to me. I am so excited. I love this bench. My mom was teasing "don't be selling it!" As if I would! The dresser is lovely as well, a dark wood finish. I love dark wood. Brian was teasing the baby had more furniture, and it was better quality than what we have! haha

So it was a good day. Mom made us a nacho feast for all of our hard work (to be honest, I should have been cooking since I didn't do ANYTHING, but oh well!)

And... end ramble.

What's Really Wrong?

Oh today is an awful day. I don't know what it is, actually. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's working almost twice as many hours as I am used to. Maybe it's a little of everything.

I woke up and couldn't find clothes that fit. Even my maternity clothes just don't really fit as well as they used to. It's depressing. I know it's because I am pregnant and not fat, but that doesn't make my clothes magically fit again. They still don't fit. I tried to find more clothes online but they are all stupid expensive and I am now worried none of them will fit me because I am only going to get bigger from here on out.

I worked a few hours and became so frustrated that I ended up taking a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my marbles. I tried to make toast. I thought I'd be all cool and make toast with jelly and put on a sausage patty and make a breakfast sandwich thing... which is normally very good, and I was craving one. Except, somehow, my hand failed at holding the jar of jelly and it dropped, breaking into a thousand pieces of glass and globs of jelly went everywhere.

I had a bagel, instead.

The Xanax wasn't helping. I was just as frustrated as before, except now I was sleepy. This, of course, didn't help my bad mood any.

The dog hates me. Every time he sees me he starts shaking and twitching. One would think I beat the poor thing every time I turn around, but I don't. I know it's just because he is a shelter dog and was probably abused or maybe he's just sensitive. I don't know. But it's frustrating. Part of me knows it's nothing I've done, but another part of me makes me feel like it's some how my fault.

So finally, all of that, all at once, just caused me to lose it. I just started crying. Uncontrollably. After about ten minutes of this and lots of hugs and kisses from Brian as well as promises to go clothes shopping with me tomorrow, he finally calmed me down. Then my Xanax kicked in.

And now I am feeling pretty good. Still tired, eyes are sore, still need a break from work... but at least I don't feel like I am going off the deep end anymore.


I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have a shaky dog, but at least he isn't eating our clothes any more and doesn't piss on the floor. My clothes don't fit me, but I work from home anyway. I didn't really want jelly, as we don't have any peanut butter. I had a good cry and can see things a little clearer now.

I am still sad of course that I don't have any clothes but I am not going to worry about it. I am going to just do what I can and maybe buy a couple of pieces in the plus sized section, since they are so much cheaper than maternity clothes. The biggest challenge is the winter coat. Winter coats are stupid expensive for maternity.

Okay, I need to get some fresh air. It's about 55 degrees out and perfect weather for a little jaunt around the complex, and I think Max would appreciate a walk too. I know it would help me out both mentally and physically. Maybe my feet won't swell up so bad if I walk a little more. First things first... I need an apple.

Tomorrow will be all rainbows and sunshine again, I promise. My grandma is moving and she needs us to help her out, so I'll be doing some light moving for exercise. Thanks for listening. Reading. Skimming through.