Romance

I've never been a typical woman/girl when it comes to romance. I don't necessarily buy into all the things that are considered to be "romantic". Here's a list of things that you should- or more accurately, should not- do to impress me. Since I am married now, most of these don't apply any more, just some casual observations I made while I was dating. Although a lot of them do still apply, rejection takes the form of "Not tonight" instead of "I'm tossing you outside naked and letting my dog shit all over your clothes."

Do Not: 

• Buy me flowers. Ugh. As if I need more dead crap in my house. I'm going to leave that intentionally vague.
• Sing to me. Whether its a song you wrote yourself or you are doing kareoke, I don't care, okay? (See what I did there?) It just makes me uncomfortable having to pretend I like your singing.
• Play an instrument. See Point 2. I don't like being put on the spot to tell you how wonderful you are at <insert instrument here>. I'm not interested in stroking your ego. Oooor anything else for that matter.
• Write me poetry. UGH. I don't even like reading poems by famous poets so please, let's just move on.
• Tell me how "hotttttt" or "sexxxxxxy" I am. You will get ignored at best, laughed at and brutally made fun of at worst. Don't risk it.
• Ask me if I want to watch a chick flick, TV, or any sort of movie for a "date night". The answer will always be no. (I'm notoriously stubborn and/or picky about what I watch. It has to be my idea and on my terms. Usually I go without.) If we HAVE to watch a movie, make it a geeky comic movie. 
• Buy me drinks. I don't really do bars anyway, so you won't likely find me there. 
• Ask me to cuddle. Whether its in bed or on the sofa or whatever, just... don't. I like my personal space without you in it.

Do:

• Buy me Diet Mountain Dew when I am out. 
• Buy me a Reese's (or twelve) if you really want to get lucky.
• Let me cook for you. Stroke MY ego.
• Buy me food. Preferably cheese fries.
• Let me be first player instead of second player.
• Let me take a nap. You don't even have to cuddle. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't.
• Use cheesy pick up lines on me. They make me laugh and that is a better way to get me to sleep with you
• Buy me new kitchen gadgets
• Make bad jokes. The worse the better.
• Hold me while I sob over fictional characters
• Tell me what a great mom/wife I am.
• Buy me video games/video game related merchandise. 
• Buy me books.

So yep, there you have it. When I see that my friends are all like "ohhh my boyfriend/husband/fiance is so sweet he got me flowers!!!?@?!@@34234@#$@%#WERWERETWE^$%Y^$Y!!!!"

I'm over here like... 

"Brian? Go buy me a candy bar."

*He leaves and comes back with a Reese's.*

"you're the best husband ever!" *Smooch*

And that is how romance is done in the Farrar Household.

Humor is my coping mechanism.

Special hello to all the beer bitches who made their way over here and gave such sweet comments on my guest post yesterday at I Like Beer & Babies. You guys are sweet to pretend that I am funny. Or something.

I think it feels like home now. After all, the dog has shit on the floor, the cat had his first ever hairball, and Drake has been an absolute terror on the carpet- taking off his diaper, throwing his food on the floor. You know, usual toddler things.

Things have settled in. I guess is a nice way of putting it.

We have had an interesting morning. I ran out of diapers AND wipes. That has not happened, ever. I have usually run out of one or the other, but not both at the same time. I managed to scrounge up a couple of swim diapers so those will work until Brian gets home. And as for wipes? Damp paper towels. Ha that will work, I guess.

And because my mind is strange and works in weird ways, as I was stressing about diapers, I thought of a Yo Mamma joke.

Yo mamma's like Geico- so easy, even a caveman can do her!

Meet your new step dad.

Stay frosty.

It's Not a Sham(poo).

I like to browse Pinterest for hours on end every single day. Because I am cool like that, and honestly, I want to stab myself in the eyes if I have to watch Dora the Explorer, so Pinterest is a good outlet. Me and my phone? Inseparable.

I stumbled across this strange pin called the "no-poo" method. What in the world is that? I thought as I clicked the pin. Basically, instead of using shampoo, you use a diluted mixture of baking soda to wash your hair. Then, if you're feeling very ambitious, you can use a dilution of vinegar for a conditioner.

I've pretty much destroyed my hair over the years. I love to bleach it, dye it, and fry it with curling irons and straighteners. I like to change my hair color frequently. I like to dump absurd amounts of products into it. Then I wonder why it is that I have such thin, damaged hair. Surprise!

Recently I had bought some shampoo & conditioner that got rave reviews for repairing and growing hair. And it was working great. Then I decided, eh, I'll try this no shampoo thing. See how it works.

I mixed up 2 Tbl of baking soda with 2 cups of water and put it in a spray bottle and soaked my scalp and roots of my hair. I left it in for a few minutes. After a while, your scalp really starts to feel slippery, which is an odd sensation. Then I rinsed it out REALLY well. Like, a few times.

The first time I just did the baking soda wash. Then I finished with my Mane n Tail conditioner. My hair was so soft and had so much volume!

My hair got really greasy after 2 days, which is not surprising. Lots of natural hair oil will make your hair oily. Go figure. Last night I washed it again with the baking soda mix, and I decided to try the vinegar rinse.

Uhm.

I look like Einstein.

so enthusiastic

Is there someone behind me? Can't tell, hair too big.

...Or maybe the love child of Einstein and a lion.

This is all natural baby. Don't you think I look so sexy in my old lady nightie and my makeup and my crazy cat lady hair.

Will I continue this no (sham)poo silliness? Well ....mmm.... no. Not every time that I wash my hair. I will probably do it once a week or once every other week, because my hair does feel nicer, but it is just insane and I have a hard time getting it to cooperate and look "pretty". It just looks like "I secretly want to lock you in my dungeon and sacrifice you to my dark gods". The dark gods being the ones of great hair.