Friday, June 25, 2010

The Monster Within

My mom wrote about this subject over here.

This week.. is that week. Hooo boy, yes it is.

Tuesday was aquacise and I couldnt figure out why I was so unmotivated, depressed, and I didnt want to go. I just wanted to get it DONE with.

I even yelled at my gramma to go home BYE (sorry Gramma...)

Then I went home and ate. Then ate. And ate some more.

Wednesday... My mom with her graceful ways asks if I have been working too much and I say, snarky, no not at all, I wish I could.

Few moments later... Why? Am I sounding mean?

Yes... Yes you are just a little bit.

Hmm.. I will try better. I just cant get out of this funk.


I just wanted to curl up and die. Or sleep a lot. I could not get over how depressed I was. For no reason. I was boo hoo ish and wanted to cuddle hubby all day long, but I didnt want him to touch me. Or talk to me. So I ignored that for the most part.

When I went to bed early (midnight) the thought of going to bed ALONE made me so sad, I almost broke down in tears. So I slept on the couch, next to hubby. Sure he would have gone to bed with me if I had asked. But I couldn't. I had lumpy-throat-on-the-verge-of-tears syndrome.


Today is going well so far. I slept til 12.30pm and have only been up for 20 minutes. I have not yelled at anyone or anything. I woke up alone (like usual, hubby's at work) and I didnt break down and cry. Though I did hug his pillow tight and smell it... Then fell asleep.

Today is his birthday. I want to make him something special for dinner because he's worth it!

Also I am going to try to be semi-human at the very least today. Maybe take a Xanax. I guess I really do need them.

No I didnt ride my 6.2 miles yesterday. I didnt even look at my bike and it sits in my living room. Wave to it! Hi bike! I see you look a little dusty! Maybe my butt will wipe it off today!
Yes I did a load of laundry. One. Still counts, right?

Todays goals:

Get dressed. Do hair, makeup the works.
Ride a freaking mile.

They seem a little far fetched as I am reading them now and they are daunting. But thats okay.

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