Saturday, August 7, 2010

Distorted Body Image

I still have body image issues. I look around the blogging community and stumble across someone who started their journey at 240+ lbs (there are lots of us bigger than that too) and I always think "God, 240 lbs. Who does that to themselves?" for a brief instant before

UMMMMM Hello I weighed 240 pounds when I started!! (dumbass)

Why don't I see that?

I think that I still have self body image issues. I think I see myself closer to 200 lbs than 250 and that is NOT the case.

So, for a bit of perspective... Yes I am a big fat ass.

I need to stop pretending that I am closer to my goals than I am. I am no where NEAR that. I have a lot of hard work left to do. I'm not so great with hard work, but this time I don't have an option.

I don't like being fat. I don't like the option of giving up and dying. I only have one option- change. And change is violent, no matter how "small" or "easy" we try to make it seem.

Think about it. To lose weight you have to get your heart rate up, you have to sweat, you have to fight mental battles with yourself. There are casualties. Sore muscles, bruised egos, moments of temptation and betrayal. Self respect and self loathing. All in a single 20 minute session. And you are supposed to do this 5 days a week? While cutting back calories and re-training your taste buds to not like crap?

....Pffft. No wonder I am "failing". I say "failing" in quotes because a) I have kept 10 lbs off since January. b) I have lost 20" since January. c) I have had a lot of little successes in endurance and physical appearance, but I haven't lost any more weight (I actually gained weight ugh)

I look at all of these success stories and think "why can't that be me?" and the truth is, I haven't *wanted* it enough. Sure there are incentives (Bahamas, anyone?) but that's just not doing it for me. It seems either so daunting "I'll never get that far" or so far away "Meh, I'll get around to it."

I'm so worried that I will be pre-diabetic (or worse.) It's a major health scare in the making for me. It's got me on my toes. I want to have a good blood test. I WANT to be normal. I want a clean bill of health.

So, I pledge to stop worrying about where I will end up. I pledge to stop worrying about others. I pledge to do this for me, because I need it, I want it, and I don't want to deal with any medical complications. I pledge to be the best me I can be, because no one else will do it for me.


  1. When I see someone so young working at this problem, I feel so encouraged for that person that is already starting on this journey and having self awareness. I'm 47 and 4 yrs in to the journey of having lost 120 lbs. Technically, I actually need to lose another 100 lbs but for now just want to lose about 30 more. But it is taking me forever.

    When I was 22 I had just graduated from college and moved to another state, was stressed over my job and was lonely (and the internet was in infancy and computers were not common and cheap like they are now). Food was my best friend and best comforter . The best thing going about weight loss then was Weight Watchers or Richard Simmons. failed at both.

    Now we have blogs, messageboards, The Biggest Loser, Jillian, Zumba, a whole lot more info about weight loss and metabolism and calorie burning. The enviornment is ripe for getting the job done. You can have so much better a quality of life if you stick to your pledge. I encourage you to stick with it. It takes changing up your food plan , dedication,and exercising more and harder. Put this at the top of your priority list.

  2. It took many many years of losing/gaining to, cross my fingers and pray to god, that this is the last time I will ever be as heavy and unhealthy as I was.

    I shared your same lack of conviction for going all-in and keeping it there despite some of my goals and desires...they were just never enough to keep me motivated.

    I have no magic answer accept to say, when you are ready, you'll know it and it'll happen. I just hope it'll happen for you now instead of when it finally happened for me.

    You clearly have what it takes to get out there, do your exercises, eat healthy, have been'll get there. I know.


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