I still have body image issues. I look around the blogging community and stumble across someone who started their journey at 240+ lbs (there are lots of us bigger than that too) and I always think "God, 240 lbs. Who does that to themselves?" for a brief instant before
UMMMMM Hello I weighed 240 pounds when I started!! (dumbass)
Why don't I see that?
I think that I still have self body image issues. I think I see myself closer to 200 lbs than 250 and that is NOT the case.
So, for a bit of perspective... Yes I am a big fat ass.
I need to stop pretending that I am closer to my goals than I am. I am no where NEAR that. I have a lot of hard work left to do. I'm not so great with hard work, but this time I don't have an option.
I don't like being fat. I don't like the option of giving up and dying. I only have one option- change. And change is violent, no matter how "small" or "easy" we try to make it seem.
Think about it. To lose weight you have to get your heart rate up, you have to sweat, you have to fight mental battles with yourself. There are casualties. Sore muscles, bruised egos, moments of temptation and betrayal. Self respect and self loathing. All in a single 20 minute session. And you are supposed to do this 5 days a week? While cutting back calories and re-training your taste buds to not like crap?
....Pffft. No wonder I am "failing". I say "failing" in quotes because a) I have kept 10 lbs off since January. b) I have lost 20" since January. c) I have had a lot of little successes in endurance and physical appearance, but I haven't lost any more weight (I actually gained weight ugh)
I look at all of these success stories and think "why can't that be me?" and the truth is, I haven't *wanted* it enough. Sure there are incentives (Bahamas, anyone?) but that's just not doing it for me. It seems either so daunting "I'll never get that far" or so far away "Meh, I'll get around to it."
I'm so worried that I will be pre-diabetic (or worse.) It's a major health scare in the making for me. It's got me on my toes. I want to have a good blood test. I WANT to be normal. I want a clean bill of health.
So, I pledge to stop worrying about where I will end up. I pledge to stop worrying about others. I pledge to do this for me, because I need it, I want it, and I don't want to deal with any medical complications. I pledge to be the best me I can be, because no one else will do it for me.