Thursday, September 23, 2010

Emotional Eating- NSV

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I recently heard from a friend of a friend that they thought I would "never amount to much" but I know that this person doesn't think much of women in general, not just me.

This has bothered me because to be honest, I do feel like I haven't amounted to much. I have never accomplished anything worthwhile. I mean, I graduated college- but I didn't want to go and I didn't try my hardest. I got married to the most wonderful guy in the world- but I feel that could be a fluke of luck (believe me I tell him every day how lucky I am and how wonderful he is- I don't take him for granted)

When I talked to my mom about this she said that she was very proud of me- after all I married a great guy, have a great apartment in a great location, and I am doing well for myself. I cried then. Being married isn't an accomplishment. You get married for $40. I know because that's how I did it. When I expressed this opinion, she asked me what it was I thought I should have accomplished by now, or what my goals for the future were. And I didn't have an answer. I still don't. I think of weight loss as a goal, but it wouldn't be one if I hadn't eaten everything in sight for the last three years. So I ended that conversation with my mom because I didn't know what I thought I was doing.

I asked my husband if he thought I had anything to be proud of and he said the same thing my mom said. That I was married to him. I would have laughed if I didn't feel like crying. Not that he is full of himself or conceited, but my greatest accomplishment is marrying a man. Wow. Talk about... a let down. Not against hubby- he's wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for the world (which is saying a lot, as I sell everything not nailed down to the floor)

I just feel like... I should do more. Be more. Want more out of life. I sit and I think and I come up with nothing. Interesting and sad. I always was a dreamer- I wanted to be a model or a singer or an author or an artist. You know one of those creative people.

I guess its a small case of identity crisis I have.

Well I have been rather mopey about it lately and its done my head in so I had another talk with hubby about it. I usually turn to food or sleeping as a coping mechanism but this time I didn't. It really sucked to sit there and think about my emotions and how I was feeling without being able to drown it in cheese fries. I told him that I was still feeling quite down about it and I didn't know what to do or where to go from here. I don't have any goals in mind or any thoughts on what I want out of life anymore. I feel like I am settling- that all I want is a house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever.

He pulled me into a hug (this is where I started crying) and told me that I can do whatever I want to do, but not to be discouraged that I can't see a big picture. If you want to be an artist, he said, work on your art for an hour a day. If you want to be a writer, then brainstorm a bit each day. If you want to lose weight, focus on each choice instead of losing x in y time frame. Small goals.

And while I had already thought of that, and knew it was the logical answer and place to start (Rome wasn't built in a day!) it felt so good to hear someone else say it.

Through all of this mess though, part of me wanted to eat a bag of Reese miniatures. Part of me wanted a greaseball burger and fries. But I didn't eat anything. And today, the sun is actually a little brighter. I don't feel like I am drowning in self pity anymore. I do feel like I am a stronger person today than I was yesterday.

Food was a little over, by 17 calories. I had 1460 as a budget and came in at 1477. I also exercised (ran on the elliptical) for 230 calories.

Today I had a bowl of slow cooker chili (sans candle wax lol I made another batch)

It's 91 degrees out. I hope we have a really mild fall/winter. Today- Either a bike ride outside or Stella for another day of C25K :)


  1. i was told by someone once they were suprised i graduated high school never thought id make it lol come to think of it was a man also

  2. I know the feeling that you're talking about. I graduated from high school (didn't want to waste time on college when I didn't know what I wanted to do), and 6 years later married. I've never had weighty ambitions. I always wanted a husband, a house and lots of kids. And we can't seem to have kids, so all of a sudden, I'm thrown back into those thoughts of what I want to do, if we're never able to have kids. And honestly, I have far too many things that interest me, but would bore me in the long term, to decide what to do with myself.

    I hope you're able to find something. :)

  3. i totally know where you're coming from. i'm thinking lots about the same things.

    listen, lady: take it easy. don't be hard on yourself. really consider what you want. i know it's confusing and hard and impossible, but in the meantime just do what makes you happy and i'm sure you'll figure it out because what else can we do? be well & have a great weekend!


  4. and i agree: marriage is many wonderful things, but certainly not an accomplishment in my mind.


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