Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I recently heard from a friend of a friend that they thought I would "never amount to much" but I know that this person doesn't think much of women in general, not just me.
This has bothered me because to be honest, I do feel like I haven't amounted to much. I have never accomplished anything worthwhile. I mean, I graduated college- but I didn't want to go and I didn't try my hardest. I got married to the most wonderful guy in the world- but I feel that could be a fluke of luck (believe me I tell him every day how lucky I am and how wonderful he is- I don't take him for granted)
When I talked to my mom about this she said that she was very proud of me- after all I married a great guy, have a great apartment in a great location, and I am doing well for myself. I cried then. Being married isn't an accomplishment. You get married for $40. I know because that's how I did it. When I expressed this opinion, she asked me what it was I thought I should have accomplished by now, or what my goals for the future were. And I didn't have an answer. I still don't. I think of weight loss as a goal, but it wouldn't be one if I hadn't eaten everything in sight for the last three years. So I ended that conversation with my mom because I didn't know what I thought I was doing.
I asked my husband if he thought I had anything to be proud of and he said the same thing my mom said. That I was married to him. I would have laughed if I didn't feel like crying. Not that he is full of himself or conceited, but my greatest accomplishment is marrying a man. Wow. Talk about... a let down. Not against hubby- he's wonderful and I wouldn't trade him for the world (which is saying a lot, as I sell everything not nailed down to the floor)
I just feel like... I should do more. Be more. Want more out of life. I sit and I think and I come up with nothing. Interesting and sad. I always was a dreamer- I wanted to be a model or a singer or an author or an artist. You know one of those creative people.
I guess its a small case of identity crisis I have.
Well I have been rather mopey about it lately and its done my head in so I had another talk with hubby about it. I usually turn to food or sleeping as a coping mechanism but this time I didn't. It really sucked to sit there and think about my emotions and how I was feeling without being able to drown it in cheese fries. I told him that I was still feeling quite down about it and I didn't know what to do or where to go from here. I don't have any goals in mind or any thoughts on what I want out of life anymore. I feel like I am settling- that all I want is a house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever.
He pulled me into a hug (this is where I started crying) and told me that I can do whatever I want to do, but not to be discouraged that I can't see a big picture. If you want to be an artist, he said, work on your art for an hour a day. If you want to be a writer, then brainstorm a bit each day. If you want to lose weight, focus on each choice instead of losing x in y time frame. Small goals.
And while I had already thought of that, and knew it was the logical answer and place to start (Rome wasn't built in a day!) it felt so good to hear someone else say it.
Through all of this mess though, part of me wanted to eat a bag of Reese miniatures. Part of me wanted a greaseball burger and fries. But I didn't eat anything. And today, the sun is actually a little brighter. I don't feel like I am drowning in self pity anymore. I do feel like I am a stronger person today than I was yesterday.
Food was a little over, by 17 calories. I had 1460 as a budget and came in at 1477. I also exercised (ran on the elliptical) for 230 calories.
Today I had a bowl of slow cooker chili (sans candle wax lol I made another batch)
It's 91 degrees out. I hope we have a really mild fall/winter. Today- Either a bike ride outside or Stella for another day of C25K :)