Why I keep trying...

August 2007


Met the love of my life, Brian. We first started dating August 14th.
Pretty much became inseparable after I hit a deer coming home from one of our dates. I think he realized at that point, he had to be with me just so I could get around without killing myself or helpless creatures. (Side note: The deer was fine! He/she ran off, and I was left a shaking, quivering mess.)

So happy, so young, so thin.... 

April 2008

When I moved out of my parents', it was to start my first 'real' job. I had been offered a 9-5 position with a major company and it paid extremely well. I was still going to college full time, and I moved in with Brian and his two roommates

I had no idea how the real world functioned. I remember crying to my mom one time that I don't know what I would do if I got my own place, because when would they pick up the trash? How would I know this? What if my neighbors don't like me? At this point she laughed and said "like our neighbors like us now? psssht!"

It was very stressful moving, though I was excited by it. I got to live with roommates! I got to have my own place! I was on my own, with bills, school, and a job...wait... that's not exciting at all!!

Part of the reason I gained so much weight was the fact that I was living with three men. The other part of the reason was that I was literally making quadruple what I was before. I went from making $7.25/hr 20 hrs a week getting paid biweekly to making $14.50/hr, 40 hours a week getting paid every week. Which meant I could eat out at all of my favorite restaurants a lot more often.

And that is what we did. We ate out at lunch. We ate out for dinner. I grabbed some fast food on the way to class. I got milkshakes for when I did my homework.

I was a pig. And it showed. Very very quickly (in like, oh a month or two) I started gaining weight, rapidly! I was a size 14 and I weighed 175 lbs. Next thing I knew I was a size god only knows stuffed into a size 14 weighing 220 lbs.

August 2008

My weight steadily climbed, because 4 short months after moving out, I got engaged. Now I had a stressful job, college, and a wedding to plan all at once.

We quickly realized that our roommates were not right for us. For one, they HATED me. They despised Brian's decision to propose and told him so on a daily basis. One of them even went so far as to say "just because you have sex with her, doesn't mean you love her." But that is neither here nor there. We decided we needed our own apartment. Preferably closer to work, and further away from the room mates.

Let's fast forward to December 2008.

I graduate from college. I tried to locate my graduation photo but it seems to be MIA, which I don't blame it. I know its around here somewhere. I am pretty sure I didn't throw it away. Or maybe I did. It was a really really bad photo.

I had no idea this is how I actually looked. I didn't own a scale. I knew my clothes weren't fitting properly, I knew I was uncomfortable in the chairs at school and at the graduation, I knew that I was 'a little more out of shape than I used to be.' But Brian still loved me and never said a word about my weight. My family was asking me constantly if I was depressed or something, which pissed me off, because I was obviously in LOOOOVE why couldn't they see that??


January 2009

We get laid off from said job. Panic ensues. We had not saved even a nickel from our jobs, and somehow we incurred all this credit card debt, despite the fact that we were making $900 a week and our bills (at that time) were only $900 a month.

March 2009

Still jobless, but getting lots of money from unemployment and going to McDonald's 3 times a day.
Decided at this point to get married in 6 weeks. Drop this news on family and friends, with varying responses from "YAY!" to "OMG your life is ruined"

Decided also to lose a little weight. Picked a goal of 20 lbs in 6 weeks.

May 2009

Married! These are our wedding pics.

May 14th, 2009. Yikes. I was sooo uncomfortable.

Saying our vows

The kiss!

The venue. The Courthouse. It's such a beautiful building.

Yes I am really that pale
And yes, I do have my purse
And yes... I was aware of how awful I looked

Remember feeling hateful towards myself that I couldn't even lose any weight before I got married, not even a single pound. Tipped the scales at my heaviest, of 237.5 lbs.

Also remember that Brian kept asking where my purse was, and being surprised that it was on my shoulder. My arms were so fat they could hide (and probably still do) my Coach bag.

Somehow squeezed into size 16 jeans that I still can't wear, even though I've lost 20 lbs!

Got put on Xanax for anxiety medication, and also got put on Meridia to try and lose weight. Lost 23 lbs in a month by not eating and popping my medication.

Gained it all back by July.

Fast forward to January 2010

Became a Resolutionary. Joined Curves at 230. Went 3 times.

September 2010

Became overly depressed about life and decided I needed something more than just calorie counting. "Resorted" to Weight Watchers again. I had joined briefly when I was 18 with my mom and even though I didn't really follow the plan 100%, I lost some weight. I figured I would "never be able to do this on my own" so I considered it my birthday gift from my parents', since they gave me money. I was 230 lbs.



Where I Am Now

My goal was to stick it out for three months online and see how I did. If I decided that I needed to go to meetings instead, I would. If I didn't lose anything, then I would try something else. It's been 4 months and some change. And I do see a lot of change. Even if I only lost 12 lbs since I joined, I have lost 12 pounds!! I have also lost almost 20 lbs from my highest, and that is nothing to turn my nose up at!

I think I will go to a WW meeting and see how I like it. Maybe join up there. I saw something online how if you have a meeting membership, online is free? So I will have to think about that some. I definitely don't want to lose my online. I really like the recipes and etc.

My goals in relation to weight loss are still the same: I want to hit my 10% first (207), then under 200, and then finally, 175. This is 30 lbs above the recommended weight for my height, but I was a size 14 at 175 and I had a flat stomach. That is where I want to be again. I am currently a size 16W and weigh 218 lbs so who knows what will happen?

I often look back at the last almost two years and see how little progress I have made, and I start to get upset. Then I stop and think about the quality of my life now compared to back then and I am so much happier, so much more alive. Sure I lost 20 lbs in a year and a half, but it's still 20 lbs I lost, rather than 40 or 60 I gained.

I am happy with where I am headed, but I never intend to give up completely. Some days I may only give 10%, but a lot of 10%'s add up.