Numbers and Feelings

This is something I think we all struggle with, or maybe I am just special. I doubt it though.

Sometimes I think I forget that the scale is just a number. That's all. It's a unit of measurement on how much force gravity needs to exert to keep me in contact with the planet surface. It is not who I am or what I am. I do not walk around with a number over my head that screams "She weighs more than 200 lbs!!!!!"

No one has called me a fat ass in public. I wonder if people have looked on me with disgust/sympathy but no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves so I have finally let go of that. How narcissistic is that, though? to think that no one has anything better to think about except what a fat slob you are? Hahaha! Cracks me up.

Anyway, what I am saying is, lately there has been a change in thought for me. I used to wake up every morning and get on the scale. I would let whatever number that stared back at me to dictate my mood for the day- whether I felt "fat" or "thin"- and whether I felt sexy, successful, lucky or I felt ugly, unwanted, and barely able to function.

It's odd how much power I was giving the scale- this inanimate object that had nothing to do with my actual journey- to tell me how I was supposed to be feeling at a certain weight. I remember once I stepped on the scale, about a year ago and saw the number 219 looking back at me and I cried in shame... until I realized I had actually lost weight. I thought I had gained, the number 9 seemed so large to me. It's silly now, because it really is just a number.

I go more by feelings these days. Yes I still have a goal in mind, I would like to lose .75 lb each week. Not quite a full pound, and I am certainly not in a rush to lose it anymore.

I go by how I feel after a run on the elliptical- ecstatic, powerful, sexy. I feel happy because I have just done something I was not able to do a few years ago. I feel powerful because I am completely driven by my own leg power, I am sexy because I feel great about myself. I can't stop looking at my legs and I want to touch them. I want my husband to touch them. I want to show off. I can't help it. I don't want to help it. I love that feeling!! I haven't felt sexy since I got married, which is a shame really. Before I got married I was insatiable. Then I gained a bunch of weight, lost my job, got married while I was unemployed, was on birth control that messed with my hormones, I was having panic attacks left and right, and I was completely miserable.

Now I feel like the me I used to be. The insatiable, gotta have it now, instant gratification girl that I have always been- about everything. I want a job. I want another dog. I want a house. I want to spend hours a day in bed with my husband. I want to go for a bike ride. I want to cruise the town. I want I want I want.

That light bulb went off in my head the other day when I was feeling flubbish and sluggish and lazy the other day. I wondered why I was not feeling sexy. Why I did not want to track my food or work out and why I did not feel like eating. I wondered what was going on. Stress, yes. Xanax, check. I got on the scale and 219.4 stared back at me. I was nonplussed. The thought was "eh it's to be expected" Today, I wake up in a fantastic mood thinking this day could not get any better (I was wrong- it did!!) and I hop on the scale thinking, "hmm I wonder what I weigh?" And the number was the same 219.4. My point being that the number is no longer dictating what I feel, but rather is just what it is supposed to be- a unit of measurement.

I think that I am finally figuring out what makes me happy. And its not the number on the scale. It's life. It's family. Its puppy dog kisses first thing  in the morning. It's Max learning to roll over on command. It's the cute little Yorkie downstairs. Its the new apartment building. It's DUCKS!! It's ferrets, rabbits, and kittens on the web. It's coffee. It's video games. It's Netflix. It's Dirty Jobs and Mythbusters. It's reading my favorite trilogy while I listen along to the audio books. It's making dinner. It's friends. It's that bridesmaid dress in the closet. My happiness comes from me.

And when I am happy, eating is easy. It's also easy to over eat, it's not like I found the secret. It's easier to eat though, the things that are good for me and fill me up. It's easier to choose that apple over making pancakes at 3 in the morning. It's easier to pick my healthy cereal versus Brian's Cap'n Crunch berries. It's easier to say no to soda (diet or otherwise) and drink water.

I mentioned earlier that I had a "bad" run on the elliptical, numbers wise. It was slow, it was not very far, and it was challenging. However- I still loved it. I was on a high after. I was so sweaty, so pumped full of adrenaline as I plowed through. I was going fast enough to hit my maximum heart rate but not pushing myself so hard that I could not lip sing to all of my favorite songs. Britney Spears, Maroon 5, and Alkaline Trio. I felt fantastic after. 30 minutes. Less than 3 miles. But all me. The nice thing about ellipticals vs treadmills is I set the pace. I decide when I want to run hard, or when I want to walk. I decide how fast I go, not some belt. My legs are what drives the machine, not some belt. And that is why I feel powerful!! I mean look at what I can do!!

I have a formula I developed, so I will share it with you.

scale + measurements x feelings = happiness

It's working out for me so far. Enough rambling. I have to take my dog out to pee.