I keep thinking that I am too young to have a baby. After all, I have only been married 2 years.
But when I think about it, it's so weird. I am going to be 24 in a few months. 24 years old. I still think of myself just out of highschool or college, you know still 19 or 20, but I'm not. I really am an adult.
I think it's because I never really thought I would get married, or have children. I never thought I would marry the man of my dreams. I always kind of thought that I would have to "settle" for a guy who was, like, okay, but not really what I wanted or needed.
And I never really wanted kids at all. In fact, up until the time I got pregnant, I really hated kids. I never even laughed at babies. Now I laugh all the time.
This whole thought process was sparked because I was laying in bed, on my back, running my finger tips over my belly, and feeling how it was expanding. Running them up and down, thinking to myself about how strange being pregnant is, but how nice it is too.
Brian is still randomly throwing out nice compliments. And they always come at the most inopportune time!
Me: "Ah, I think I need to go to the bathroom!"
Him: "This is going to sound really weird now, but you're so pretty."
Me: "I'm glad you think so. Do we have toilet paper?"
But that's how I know that he really loves me and really means it, when he can say how beautiful I am when my stomach is exploding and my bum is on fire. He is a great man! :)
When I think back on my life, I realize that I didn't really ever have a direction or purpose. I never knew what I wanted to be. I thought an author would be great, but only because it seemed so easy to do. I've never been one for hard work.... not to say that I don't work hard when I have to, I would just not prefer it. Luckily my greed keeps me working at all.
Anyway, I guess I am still struggling to find myself and my path. I know I should be happy that I have a loving, supportive husband, a great family, a nice apartment, and a baby on the way, but it still seems like I am lost. Am I? I don't know. Should I expect more? Is it enough to remain happy like I am? Am I settling?
I still feel like I am just too young... I still don't know who I am, really. I mean, I know who I am in a general sense. I'm a wife, a daughter, a soon to be mother, and I am bold, always expressing my opinions. Slightly panicky, bad-food loving, cooking queen, mess maker... I know that. I'm just wondering if I expected more and am disappointed that I didn't get to do whatever... but when I think about what it was I wanted to do, there is nothing there.
I guess.... It was just a feeling that I had to be something else to prove to others that I know what I am doing with my life. But you know what? I think I got all that I am going to get, which is a lot to be thankful for. I am a mother. Yeah, I can handle that.
I still want to be a writer. But I don't know what to write about. In a way, I have already fulfilled that with this blog, even though its not exactly a "story" but it is my story. And I'll write it anyway I want.
Yeah.
From now on, I'm 5ft7, 150 lbs, and I am a size 10/12, tan, and look awesome in a bikini. I also have super powers and can save the world. Housewife turned Superhero.
Hahaha I can dream, right? And that sort of keeps me young, I think.
He took my last name when we got married. I took on the challenge of motherhood and losing the 80 lbs I gained
As long as you're happy and content with your progress in life (and, probably the bills are getting paid), then I think that not having a whole lot of direction is alright. =) I'm still trying to find that balance myself - even though I know what I want to do. But I openly admit, I am lazy, I don't like being around lots of peoples (because I get panicky), and the desire to do hard work is very sporadic. lol. I say, enjoy your pregnancy and your life! I think perhaps what you want to do may be something that comes in time... perhaps even something that comes because you're opening a new chapter in your story. =)
ReplyDelete"It was just a feeling that I had to be something else to prove to others that I know what I am doing with my life." Having been there to a certain degree, around 24-26 years old I started to become more introspective. I went into therapy and it helped a bunch. But here's a cheaper, more condensed version of what I discovered. When we STOP comparing our lives to what we think others expect, we find happiness. Happiness isn't getting what you want - it really IS wanting what you have.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's that you want to explore more of what life has to offer? Seems to me like you're on a journey right now - and you can still do whatever you want to do in life
Personally, I think it's a misconception that your life and your journey have to stop because you have little one that needs you. Sure, it changes, but things change all the time. Whatever you discover you want to do (travel, write, etc) you CAN do with a family. I picture life as a mountain climbing expedition - and those we love (friends, family) are along for the expedition. Sometimes you'll take the lead. Sometimes you'll be following someone else's lead. My personal favorite is when you're walking hand in hand, climbing the mountain together.
PS for the record, I'm close to 32 now. When I hit my 30's, I discovered a beautiful place of acceptance of who I am, where I am, and what I'm working on. Not every journey has a conventional compass - I know mine doesn't! But the 30s is a nice place to be. :) (Though I still feel physically about 26!)
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