Okay, it's no secret that Brian and I are really disappointed we haven't had the baby yet. This has led to stress on both of our parts. We are stuck playing the "waiting game". Patience isn't my strong suit. I've checked out mentally and emotionally for a few days now. I'm either up all night or in a coma, somehow trying to cope with this ....ineffectively, it seems.
Brian on the other hand, is freaking out that I will go into labor while he is at work and he won't make it home in time for me to have the baby and we will have it at home or in the car or something. Because that is something he can't control (short of taking time off work until the baby is born) he has decided to set his sights and his stress on something else:
Our financial state.
As if that makes everything better. It doesn't. Sigh. So, I will humor him and walk him through everything. See, he was doing great, being involved and he was fine. Then he drops out of the loop again (not my fault, I keep trying to get him engaged in it) and then he freaks out because suddenly he doesn't know anything. Uhm. How is this helping? If he's removed from the situation completely, he has panic attacks and then we end up in the ER and ... well... never mind.
He's home from work in an hour and now I am going through our debt list, our budget spreadsheet, and our online accounts to make sure everything is up to date in our data spreadsheet so I can show him how things are going. Hopefully that will give him a little peace of mind. I'm actually not stressed about our financial state. Sure it sucks! but everyone's does. So. No worries!
And hopefully, it will give me the mental stimulation I need to be engaged again in daily activities. It almost feels like I am suffering from depression. A Xanax and maybe a little change of scenery will help me out a bit. It doesn't help him any when I am like this. He has no idea what to do. (the answer is simple: crush up my happy pills and make a smoothie out of them! Preferably chocolate or peanut butter.)
Part of me knows the reason he is freaking out like this is because it's just how men handle becoming fathers. They worry if they can provide. It's hard wired into them. Part of me also realizes that when I am not my best self, he really stresses out and wonders if it's his fault some how. It isn't. And I know I am acting out of character because I keep getting asked if I am alright. I'm okay. But just okay.
Maybe I will do something nice for Brian to let him know that even though I am not quite myself this past week, I still appreciate everything he does for me. Sometimes words aren't enough and even though I tell him all the time how great and wonderful he is, he may think I am just doing lip service right now. Hmm... what to do? Oh, great idea! thanks, brain. I knew you would come up with something good.
"Bring home garlic bread. Don't eat. I'm making you dinner. I promise you will love it."
Weeee time to get in the kitchen. See ya!