Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Eve 2011

Everyone will be doing posts about what they want their new year to be like, so I figured I'd skip that.

I wanted to reflect on some of the feelings I have had the past 24 hours. Feelings both understandable and ridiculous.

When we came home last night from a failed induction, that was probably the worst feeling of my life. I had no idea that an induced labor would not end in a baby. After all, the name sort of implies that a baby is the end result, not just a possible result. That just goes to show you that things don't always go according to plan.

I am not upset at the doctor or the failed induction. My nearly-48 hour stay in the hospital was very enjoyable for the most part. Every nurse (and I met several of them) were very friendly and so eager to help. They did everything they could to help labor progress.

I went in Thursday night, completely closed and not dilated/effaced at all. I came home last night at 3 cm dilated, but not completely effaced. Which means "thinned out". I found a non-graphic graphic to kind of explain what it means...

Basically, what the doctor and nurses were saying was I am dilating fine, but my cervix isn't getting any thinner at the top, so they can't feel the baby when they check me.

I am making progress- very good progress, according to my doctor. He was really pleased with my progress Thursday-Friday, and then everything sort of slowed down Friday-Saturday. The big event that happened was a partial passing of my plug... that's all I'll say. Google it if you really want to know... but you don't. Trust me.

I continued to have the contractions, some of which were very strong and painful. I went through 2 bags of Pitocin/Oxytocin on drip, 2 bags of just fluids to keep me from getting dehydrated, and I even took a nice spin in a whirlpool.

I was sort of disappointed in the whirlpool. I thought it would be more like a hot tub, but it was more like a regular tub with a space-age door and a faulty drain. Haha.

I was alternated between a clear diet and a regular diet. I was not overly thrilled with the chicken broth diet, but the regular food was pretty good. On either diet, I was allowed ice cream and milkshakes, so Brian kept running out and getting me something tasty haha :)

The experience in the hospital was great, overall. The staff was attentive and knowledgeable and I never once felt uncared for or just another patient. I felt like I pretty much Queen Bee.

When the doctor came in (after 6 hours of waiting for him on a Saturday- the only bad part) he told me that the induction had failed, which happens occasionally. My options were either a) go home for a few days or b) have a c-section.

I wanted to avoid a c-section if it was unnecessary, so we were sent home. We were given a time and a date to return and try again, along with the reassurance that this happens on occasion and that there is nothing wrong- the baby is plenty healthy and has been the whole time. I'm doing great too, no health issues cropped up.

I was fine until I got home. I was pretty sad at the hospital but took a Xanax while I was changing back into my street clothes. I shed a few tears of frustration, but held it together until we got home. I was alright when I saw how clean my apartment was. Kayla cleaned every square inch, bless her heart. She washed our sheets and blankets, made our bed, cleaned all the baby bottle stuff, scrubbed the kitchen and the living room, and the bathroom, and she wrote a note to our son and left it on the fridge.

I was okay when I got home and my brother in law was here and asked how we were doing. I held it together until I saw the baby bassinet in our bedroom. It was the first time I had seen it. It's a beautiful one my grandma bought for us and brought up Friday. Brian brought it home while I was at the hospital and set it up. It's beautiful. And then I lost it. I cried so hard.

So so hard.

I was so upset. I thought we were going to have a baby to bring home. It was disappointing living the hospital again without a child. I felt helpless and useless. That my body couldn't do the one thing it was supposed to do with medical intervention... and tired and frustrated that I had spent so much time at the hospital, that I went through such a stressful time and had nothing really to show for it. Except for a bruise, where the IV was. I know my body isn't useless. I know that I am capable of this, but it is frustrating and exactly how I felt. That I was not able to do the one thing that really mattered.

It feels nice to be home now that I have settled down and gotten the frustration out of my system. I hate how high strung this whole thing has made everyone. Not just me and Brian, but our families as well. If we had known that this would have not resulted in a baby... well, I think we would have prepared everyone a little more for it.

So this time around, yeah we are going back in in a few days. I am not going to say what time we will be there, because who knows at this stage? And now that I am showing lots of progress, there is always the possibility that I could go into labor at any time.

We celebrated New Year's for the last time as a married couple alone. We grabbed a couple of bottles of sparkling juice and we ate a fried chicken dinner. I fell asleep and gave Brian strict orders to wake me before midnight so we could ring in the new year together. He woke me at 11:58 with a glass of juice and when the clock struck 12, we toasted.

"To health, wealth and Baby Farrar."


  1. Wow...what an emotional and physical ordeal. I also feel that I'm always the exception to the rule and that the "rare" bad outcomes fall into my lap. Thankfully, it has always only amounted to disappointment and inconvenience rather than disaster with the only damage being a self-esteem that sometimes feels it was born under the wrong star.

    I'll spare you the platitudes; you deserve to work through this disappointment. Happy New Year to you and yours.

  2. What a roller coaster! I'm so glad that he's healthy and getting somewhere. When holidays (especially) don't turn out like we expect, it's extra crushing too. I know you were hoping to toast with Drake in your arms, rather than in your tummy. Hugs and hang in there! You're on the home stretch! Just a longer home stretch than anyone had anticipated. It's amazing how helpful and wonderful your family is being.

  3. I am so sorry, girl. I hope you have that baby very soon!! HUGS!


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