Beaten down

Lately I have been feeling really beaten down. Depressed. It's so hard to get out of bed lately. I want to sleep all day and all night. Sometimes, I get to sleep 16 hours a day. Brian is being kind and watching Drake for me. But I don't know that it is helping.

We paid off a few credit cards. We thought it would be a great idea to get health insurance again. Finally. Brian's work doesn't offer it, so we have to buy our own. Which is fine. We did some shopping around and essentially, we got about the same insurance we had before the baby, plus dental, for cheaper. I was so excited. All three of us having health insurance. Woohoo...

Then, Saturday came.

And the mail. In the mail was a letter, addressed to me from the insurance company. They denied me insurance. Reason being?

Height and weight.

Yes. I am too fat for insurance.

Miserable. Completely miserable.

I feel anger. Disgust. Unhappiness. I'm taking my pills, but they are only helping so much.

Anyway, I guess if the insurance companies aren't willing to give me insurance because I am too fat, I should take it as a serious sign that it is time to get in shape, once and for all. I mean, no excuses right? It's not like I can lie and say I am still healthy at this point.

I started tracking calories again on Monday. And so far I've done really well staying under my calorie goal. I also even ate veggies one day. Go me. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but its not working and I am dwelling. I'm surprised I am not curled up in the fetal position screaming and crying, because that is what I feel like doing.

I am down two pounds though! So that is exciting. Or it would be, if I could feel any excitement. Right now I just feel bitterness and remorse for letting things get this bad. Things are going to change though. They have to.

Since Thanksgiving, I am actually down 12 lbs total. Not bad for half-assing it. I wonder what will happen when I apply myself? Hmm.

Medicated. Sedated. Placated.

Ah, so I had gone off my medicine for a while and that turned out to be...um... bad.

I was pretty bitchy. Sorry, all. I didn't know how badly I needed to be medicated to just live a normal life. And it's okay, I'm cool with it. Brian, who is more anti-pill than I am, says that he would rather have me taking medicine to be happy and normal than mean and bitchy all the time. Good man.

I've started up Weight Watchers again. I was doing really good on the program and now I am not pregnant and living a reduced-debt life, I can afford the meals again. Woot.

So I stocked up on those. I also got a little notebook to write down my meals and how I feel after each one, whether or not I am full or still hungry. The hardest part is going to be saying no to Drake, as he loves to mooch off of my food and throws a hissy fit if I don't share. Quality parenting, right there.

Harry Potter party was ... not a party. More like me and a friend watched Chamber of Secrets and talked. It was really nice to have some one on one time with a girl friend. I appreciated it so much, I'm actually sending her a hand written thank you note in the mail. Yeah, that should show you how desperate I was for some human interaction.

I didn't realize this, but apparently we got a state refund as well. It was a nice surprise as we usually end up either owing them a little or only getting a little back, but this year it was a significant return. We shoved that money in savings and I am glad that we did, as Brian needs to go to the dentist tomorrow as an emergency appointment. Yay.

:(

At least we have the money, and that is what it is for, emergencies. It won't take us too long to get back where we were, as I'm only going for $500 as an emergency savings and we had nearly 3x that.

I'm trying not to stress on it, as I am the one who has to be supportive now and make sure that he gets the help he needs for his teeth. Anyone got a goat I can sacrifice to the ADA?

Also- does anyone else get insane amounts of spam? I get a lot of "comments" but Blogger catches them all as spam which they are, but I am just curious if it's only me?

Accio Harry Potter Films!

I ordered the complete 8 film collection of Harry Potter on Blu-Ray. I am not only stoked about owning all the movies in one collection, but the collection I bought has a lot of special features. I love special features. Making-ofs, documentaries, behind the scenes, deleted scenes, etc. I love it all. Here's a clue of how much I love it: For the first 6 weeks of Drake's tiny little life, I had Lord of the Rings playing constantly. All three special extended versions, as well as all the special features. For six weeks straight. I am known to exaggerate, but this time, it's not a hyperbole. It really was on that entire time.

I am really excited about the movies, which will be coming Friday. I even signed up for text message alerts to let me know when it's out for delivery. I *know*. I have spent the last few days pondering about how glorious my life will be once I have all things Harry. I used to day dream about being a wizard, you know. Still do, sometimes. I will never grow up, and I will never get over HP.

So what does a geeky girl like myself do while her husband's away at work, and her toddler is sleeping soundly in his crib? Why, she looks up HP themed recipes and prices ingredients. Because a HP marathon is in my future, and I am going to invite my other geeky friends to come join. Even if they don't, I will only be marginally sad, as I will be too busy geeking out over HP to really notice.

I found this delightful recipe that I will definitely be making:

Golden Snitch Truffles

(Originally made and posted by Liz at girl meets bowl)

Darling. I am dying.

Except I don't think I will be using her exact recipe. But other than that, they look gorgeous don't they? Like I said, I had been pricing items and deciding how much I am willing to spend on these. And the answer is? Every. Penny. I. Have.

Also being made: Pumpkin Pasties, Butterbeer (both an alcoholic and non-alcoholic version),Chocolate Frogs and of course, the classic Bangers and Mash. I found a delightful little mold to make the chocolate frogs in. I am going to drag Brian and Drake out tomorrow morning before I work to go buy them. Because I need them. Life will not be complete until I own them.

It's funny. Most people had Harry Potter parties when Deathly Hallows pt 2 came out, either in theatre or dvd, and I am having mine NOW. I'm forever late :) but, don't mind at all, as I know at least one person will enjoy themselves. And that's me.

Happy Squeals!!

Okay it's been a great couple days. GREAT.

Firstly: We got our tax return back and we were able to pay off 3 credit cards in full AND we put $500 in emergency savings fund AND we gave ourselves a bit of run around money. We are also making our last payment to Best Buy this month and that will be our 4th card. That saves us $200 a month :) That's an extra car payment, guys. It's just gone. All those payments. Poof. Out the window. There isn't any more high interest debt either. We got rid of every card  balance over 15%. AND IT FEELS GREAT. The psychological boost from getting rid of it is such a high. It's euphoric. A runner's high has NOTHING on a recently-paid-off-debtor's high. And I know, as I've had both.

Second: I went to the gym last night and I am soooore today. I am okay with the fact that I gained 2 lbs back during my 2-week hiatus from the gym, it will come off soon. I set the incline on the treadmill to 10 and walked uphill for half an hour as well as doing a bit of ab and arm work. Oww. Calorie counting is such a paaaain. I hate it. But I have to do it. So that brings me to ....

Third: I got to go grocery shopping. At the store. By myself. Ahhh I think I just orgasmed. It was so amazing to go somewhere ALONE and without hubby and the baby. I had a field day!!

Here's what I bought:

Salad greens
Spinach
Celery
Carrots
Tomatoes
Green pepper
Strawberries
Bananas
Potatoes
Sweet potatoes
Mushrooms
Lemon
Lime
Onion
Garlic
Ground beef
Ground turkey
Chicken
Whole wheat tortillas
Low fat cheese
Fat free greek yogurt
1% milk
Eggs
Whole wheat bread

If you looked in my cart you would have freaked at how much fresh food there was. I know I was freaking out a little bit. Especially since those things in italics are things I never buy. I bought BANANAS. Holy crap. I don't even like bananas. I use them in smoothies (1/2 per pitcher) for creaminess and extra nutrition, but I really don't like the taste of them.

I am trying really hard now to eat more mindfully, not only for myself but for Drake. He's starting to notice what we eat, and I want him to reach for things that are good for you, not a slice of pizza.

I'm also really proud of Brian. He quit drinking soda when he went to the dentist and they told him what it does to your teeth. I have not been helping though. I love my diet soda and it's terrible I know. I decided I was going to start supporting my husband and our healthy lives so I am done with it too, forever. It's a psychological addiction now. I don't even care about the caffeine, I just like having it to have it and that is a classic sign that it's time to give it up. Also, he lost 6 lbs this month just by giving up diet soda.

I didn't buy anything pre-packaged or any frozen meals or snacks. I did buy a bag of frozen chicken breasts, but that was it. Everything else is getting made by scratch this week. It is so exciting!!

Tonight we are having meatloaf and stuffing both are going to be packed with veggies, and a side salad. I am so excited I can hardly wait! I'm wriggling in my seat.

YAY US!