Working Out, Body Issues, and Food.

I've been working out like a fiend and also trying to force myself to stay within my allotted daily target. Most days I do really great, but some days, like today, I do not. I ate WAY TOO MUCH food and all I can give myself props for is tracking it all. Ashamedly, of course. But at least it's there.

I've started trying something new with motivation at the gym. There are many days I don't want to go but the main thing that keeps me motivated is that my anniversary is in less than 4 weeks. May 15th. So I have been telling myself to get to the gym. I bought a dress and it fits, but I want to work on my bat wings and get them a little more firmed up so I've been using that dress as motivation.

Other things that keep me motivated:

1. Brian started his new job and has lost nearly 10 lbs just from going to work everyday.
2. My rule is "just 15 minutes". I force myself to go to the gym for 15 minutes, and if I am not getting into it by the time that is up, I can leave.
3. Summer is on its way and I am determined to go to the pool this year.
4. I really want to go to a convention and cosplay as some of my favorite geeky characters- but, surprise!- none of those bitches are fat, so I best be getting my ass in shape.
5. It's fucking time. I've been over 200 lbs since 2008, so that is FIVE YEARS of being completely miserable and hating my self image. So I keep saying ITS TIME and it helps.

I've been working out like a beast, and I do mean like a BEAST. I try to give it my all whenever I go. I manage about 30-40 minutes on the elliptical most days and even do some strength training sometimes. I sweat A LOT. And one of the most disturbing things I have noticed is the amount of acne I get now. I've always had pretty decent skin. I get pimples like everyone else, but it's never been.... gross. But now, I've been noticing a lot more acne and some of it is really gross. I've started calling them Blimples. Blister-pimples. These occur in places where there is a lot of friction going on and they are big pimples with a head and grossness, but they sort of feel and look like blisters, as well. They are all angry and agitated looking. Does anyone else know what I am talking about, or is it because I am fat and lazy and wtf is wrong with me?  I've noticed them on my chest, probably from my boobs being compressed and hog-tied down by my sports bra, and even found one in crease of my leg where it meets my crotch.

That scared the crap out of me, I thought I had a disease or something. But no, my crotch is just sweaty from running and I've rubbed the area raw from running. Because I am fat and it all rubs together. Beautiful sort of visual, isn't it?

So I am battling this weird self image thing going on, where I feel like a BOSS from working out so much and so hard to constantly wondering if my face is about to erupt like a volcano, and it makes me just want to hide.

I've also been forcing myself to do my hair and makeup most days and get dressed some days and it's really helped with my self image, to feel like a real human instead of that slob-slave thing called "Mom". I also purchased some self-tanner lotion and foam and I am enjoying being tan looking without looking like a carrot or a leather bag. I am very paranoid about skin cancer.

Onto food.... Since Brian started his new job, I've become a full time home cook. Which is almost practically my dream job, minus a kitchen cleaning staff. I prepare awesome delicious meals for Brian, 3 times a day. Yes I make his breakfast, lunch and dinner. EVERY DAY. My kitchen is constantly a wreck and I hate how tiny it is.

Since he works so hard, I try really hard to give him healthy, balanced meals both for his packed lunch and his home meals. This makes me realise just how nasty my own diet is, and how I wish I could incorporate more fruit and veggies into my diet. I am going to have to pull out the Deceptively Delicious cookbook again and start adding more veggies that way. I'm also toying with the idea of gradually going meatless. I keep coming back to it, and wondering if I cut out more meat, would I be willing to eat more veggies and fruit? Can I reset my taste buds, and my thinking process? This obviously requires more planning and research, but I feel I am at that position in my life where I need to be eating more responsibly, both for my health, and Drake's. The little monster always wants what I am eating, so I should be setting an example, right? Right.

I feel like I am at that point in my life where I am actually caring about what happens to my body and the future, so maybe this time is it? Either way, I am not going to give up, because I am tired of starting over.