Steady On

Hmmm... let's start this off by being completely honest: I quit tracking Weight Watchers weeks ago. I quit moderating my food intake. I was all wrapped up in clearing up my depression, taking care of my son and husband, and trying to maintain a somewhat clean house. At least- keeping up with dishes, laundry, I'm not the best housewife, nor do I even pretend.

Anyway, all that being said, is it really any surprise that I regained all of my weight I had lost? No. Is it a surprise I didn't gain more? You bet. Is it shocking then, when I stepped on the scale yesterday, it said I was at 235, exactly where I was when I quit caring? Uh, yeah. Yeah that one was a bit of a surprise.

So I have been steady. Not losing weight, not gaining weight. Well, actually I have. Up down up down, maintaining somewhere in the 235-240 range. Steady.

Since I saw the number on the scale, I started tracking again. I've only got 2 days in this week, but that's two days more than I have been tracking. Also, my mom paid for my WW subscription so I should um... use it.

Right? Right.

My lovely friend Carissa mentioned how she was going to Zumba a few nights a week. I tried Zumba on my 23rd birthday and ended up wrenching my knee. Other than that, I had a lovely time and really enjoyed both the actual class and also the Kinect game for the Xbox. Of course I asked her what days she goes. Currently she goes on days I can't, but I am sure that Brian would be willing to re-arrange his schedule at work so I could go. I know that seems a little ... haughty of me, but it's really not. Brian is always begging me to get out more anyway, so this will give him the feeling of him really helping me out, plus I get to see my gorgeous friend again. I miss her so much.

You know how you have that one friend who always sort of makes you feel like a huge cow when you are standing next to her? Who always makes you feel self conscious about your weight, clothes, or whatever? Like you are "the fat girl" and she's "the hot one"? Well, I've never felt that way about Carissa, even though she is literally probably half my size. When I'm with Carissa, I actually feel like myself- confident, sexy, gorgeous. The real me. Probably because she and I get along on so many levels.

I'd really like to be able to get out with her and have some fun with her again. I know it would boost my confidence and help me get out of the house more.

I ran out of magic pills today aka Paxil and I could really tell a difference. Even though I got a load of sleep today, I still feel ... blah. And icky. And sad. Lonely. Out of touch. It was only today that I was out, but man... I felt... wrong. I think I really need them. Luckily, I am getting a refill tomorrow, so that should put me to rights.

I've been reading. A lot. And I love reading. A lot. It makes me want to write. A lot. I keep bouncing around ideas in my head trying to piece together a story. I think that I know what format I would write it in, it would have to be first person. It's really the only perspective I am good at and comfortable with. Unless I did a children's story. Which I might, and Brian could illustrate it. Wouldn't that be awesome??? Imagine if we got that published. I keep laughing at the idea that I would write a children's story, because the other genre I'd write would probably end up in the romance/erotica section. Oh well, romance leads to children sometimes right? ;)

But anyway, every once in awhile (okay, about once an hour) I get a little snippet of an idea in my head and I write it down. What ever it is, wherever I am, I write down the core idea, in as much detail as I can, and if a whole paragraph or thought comes out of it, I continue to write. Then I save it on my computer. I don't edit anything, I just write to write. Okay, that's a lie. I edit spelling mistakes. The ideas aren't always of the same story or they might be, I don't know. It's more like descriptions of people or places, not really a concept or a story arc. I'm hoping that a) it will help me flesh out a story idea and b) that it will stimulate my brain juices and get my writing skills a-going.

I got my beloved little boy to laugh again today. He was so happy and cheerful just about everything I did made him laugh. It was precious. He really loves it when you touch his nose. And he has started grabbing his toys when they are handed to him, which is exciting. He loves this Pooh rattle. It's just Pooh's head and arms wrapped around a silky red blankie that is velvety and soft. He sticks the Pooh head in his mouth.

Good Lord this post just rambles on doesn't it? But that's what I get for not blogging in a few days, all my thoughts sort of jumble together. I'm off to bed. I figure I got maybe 2 hours of sleep before the spawn wakes up demanding a bottle.

Exhausted

I gave Drake a bath last night. Apparently the whole ordeal was exhausting, because he went to bed without eating at 7:30 (an hour before his normal bedtime) and stayed asleep until 2:30 am.

We have another long day ahead, Brian's parent's are visiting today. It will be the second time they have seen him since we brought him home. I wonder how Drake will react.

Doesn't he just look worried in his sleep? Ha, poor kid.

May the Odds

... be ever in your favor.


I saw the Hunger Games movie tonight- complete surprise! Brian came home from work early and we caught the last show before I had to work. I loved it. I thought it was a really good adaptation from the books. Brian enjoyed the movie enough to be pissed off at the Capitol and to get mad that the movie ended where it did. No amount of explaining on my part (but Brian, that's where the first book ends!) would make him feel better.

Ah, it was a great day.

I love the books a lot. I was even considering getting the audio book. The woman's voice is okay to listen to so I think I can handle it. It's 11 hours long. Audiobooks are the only way I can get Brian to devour any literature anyway. He says he'll read a book (eventually) but he has not even read a single book since we've been together. Sigh.

Audio books are good enough. I'm OBSESSED with the Hunger Games so I am sure he will get around to listening to them anyway. He drives all day for a living so its not like he has any excuse not to listen to it ;)

I want to see the movie again, but Brian probably won't like that haha :)

It's funny, its been a long time since I have seen him so passionate about a movie. He made a big stink about it as we left ("This is why we don't go to the movies anymore! UGH!") Side note: we don't go to movies because I am not interested in most movies.

I don't want to give a review of the movie or the books, because some people havent read/seen it, so you'll just have to take my word on it: its one book/movie you want to read/see this year.

In Hindsight

I must have been depressed for a long time, like before I got pregnant. I know that now... but I didn't really know it then.

I know now that I was really depressed... probably more so than I had ever been in my entire life.

The turning point for me, in realizing I needed help, was when I was looking at Brian and he was saying that he was going to bed, leaving me with a screaming infant for the 4th day in a row with very little help from him... and I thought how much easier my life would be if I had never married him.

Scary.

Brian is my world. I love him so much, I really can't imagine life without him. I was thinking that he was the problem to my unhappiness, that's how depressed I was. When in reality, he didn't know I needed help because I never asked. I was the one who was in pain and needing to say so. I was the one who was causing my own anguish.

Anyway, since I realized that I must be really depressed if I was thinking of what life would be like with out my husband, my darling husband, who I could not imagine ever losing before, I went and got on Paxil.

And after a week or so, it really started to help. I take it every day, religiously. I have too much to lose if I don't. And I feel like myself again. Really myself again. Laughing at everything, wanting to be close to people, wanting to talk to everyone, wanting to get out and do things.... you know, feeling like a normal person again.

Brian even told me that it's been a long time since he's seen me this happy. He is really glad to have me back. I told him the same as well... I told him everything I had been thinking and feeling and now, he is much more patient and helpful. We sit close to each other again. We hold hands and kiss. It feels like we are dating again, like it used to feel.

Depression is a scary thing. It can sneak up on you and destroy you. It takes a lot of courage to say you need help... but oh my god, is it worth it... Yes. Yes it is.

It's so much better to live instead of just existing.

Holy Crap

Okay, so things here are just about as normal as they can get now that we have a baby. He takes up so much of my time that I don't want to do anything else but pass out when I get the chance (I take every chance) I feel bad I don't blog as much. Oh well.

But here is a little update:

Drake weighs 16 lbs now. He is 11 weeks old today. Time flies and he is really really heavy.

If there is anything all four of us (dog included) love more than driving around with the windows open and the wind in our collective hair/fur, we haven't found it.

We have a wasp infestation and we won't be able to get the exterminator in until Monday. I am scared shitless of wasps/bees as it is and having them around my baby has put me in a sort of panic mode. I forbade Brian to leave us alone today. (He was going to have a guy's night- I made him cancel)

I turned down that job offer when I realized they wanted me to completely down grade my computer in every conceivable manner and also open up ports in my firewall and get rid of my antivirus software. Red flags all over the place. I'm sure that they think it's no big deal, but to me, a company that boasts to let people work from home should not require a more advanced computer to DOWN GRADE, there should be minimum requirements and if you exceed those, great. Opening up firewall ports and removing respected anti-virus software is a huge no no.

Brian has had yesterday and today off and I have left Drake entirely in Brian's care while I do absolutely nothing but sleep and eat when I wake up from being hungry. I love it.

Tomorrow Drake is going to my parent's to stay the night all weekend! Yay!

Every weekend after this, I am going over to my parent's with Drake and we are going to bask in the glory of being with family, since Brian works all weekend, every weekend. It will be lots of fun, I think :)

Anyway, we are off to the grocery store. We are out of milk and some other essentials already, so we are all going. Drake loves the grocery store so we have a lot of fun. Brian pushes the cart, and I push him around in a little stroller. We zoom through the aisles and generally act like fools. :)

PS- this is blog post 1,000.

A Lazy Baby

Oh my son is so lazy... he takes 45-60 minutes to drink a 5 ounce bottle of milk. He constantly falls asleep while he is eating, and you can't wake him up. I laugh because when he finally finishes his bottle, he will stay asleep for another 5-10 minutes, then wake up dazed and confused.

Of course that could just be his normal face. He always looks a little worried or confused. He's just a weird kid, he cracks me up.

He also sleeps 12-14 hours a night. He goes down about 7-8 pm every night and will sleep the whole night through (no feed) and wake up sometime between 8-10 am. Crazy. For the record, I'm done with work at 2 am, so now I am able to get 6-8 hours of sleep a night. Woohoo!

Anyway, I am thankful that he is so laid back this week, especially today.

For whatever reason, today something is just not right with me. I am extremely tired. To the point I can't keep my eyes open. I get hot flashes and cold chills, and I am shaky. It's not lack of sleep, as I mentioned,  I get 6-8 a night, and Brian let me get in an extra 3.5 hours today. I slept for nearly 12 hours and I am still exhausted.

I don't know what is going on, but I made sure to  drink plenty of fluids and also to eat a lot of protein to help combat the shakes... just in case its blood sugar related. Besides, I know that it is just me suffering from hot and cold flashes, because the temperature is steady 73 degrees and Drake doesn't feel cold or hot to me, he feels normal. Brian said also that I was just being weird today, he felt it was fine in here. So, I'll just put on a jacket and take it off rinse and repeat lol

Drake's currently in his crib just staring at the mobile. He loves it, I think he might actually fall asleep, he seemed tired (yawning, rubbing his eyes, droopy eyes) when I put him in, and he's been in there 15 minutes no fussing. Bliss.

I can't wait until he falls asleep for the night, I am so ready to take a shower and just pass out in bed.

See you later :)

How's It Goin'?

This week....

-Wednesday we took Max and Drake on a car ride around town for a few hours. Both loved it. We also went to the grocery store. Drake loved seeing everything, and cried when we left. :(

-Thursday we went to Valpo to have Drake meet his great-grandparents. We went out to lunch at Strongbows, which was delicious as usual. Drake was really well behaved. He had a minor meltdown on the way home, but other than that, it was a great visit.

-I got a job offer for a new work at home customer support position. The pay is fantastic, twice as much as I am currently making and that's just part time. I hope I can end up going full time. I am so excited!!

-My pills work! I am very happy.

-Drake giggled for the first time! I almost cried, I was so happy.

-Drake was incredibly cranky on Friday - he cried for 4 hours straight. Even mommy's happy pills couldn't keep me from losing my mind. Thankfully my grandma came over and she put him to sleep. Miracle worker, that woman :)

-Saturday, Drake was unusually compliant. I think he felt bad for the day before. We had a great day. No more giggling though :(

-I've spent the last 3 days converting my computer and all my system stuff to make sure its compliant with the new job. It's been a mind-numbingly frustrating task, but it will be worth it.

Big Buddha Belly

I love this little round portly baby belly :) Look at how adorable he is! He's finally getting interested in toys and lays on his two playmats for hours each day. He's so sweet.

PS- This counts as the baby pic of the day, Mom.

Weigh in Week #7

Woohoo! I didn't track all week... what can I say, I don't have any excuse. I just didn't.

Anyway, I lost 2 lbs. Total loss: 6 lbs from start. That's .9 lbs a week on average, and I am happy with that. It's okay for me.

I find myself having a little bit less time than usual... Drake is being very fussy and demanding with food today. He will sleep, drink an ounce, sleep for 5-10 minutes, eat an ounce, repeat. He finally woke up at 5:30 pm for some play time today. I bet he will be up all night. And tonight is the only night I have off work this week, so I was hoping for an early bed time. Sigh.

Anyway, I am really happy with my loss! Pretty soon I'll be back to where I was pre-preggers. Then I can start on this journey from where I left off.

Baby in a Bumbo

My mom bought Drake a Bumbo seat (never mind that it's purple- he doesn't know hehe)

He can't quite hold his head upright in it, but he is getting better. I have to watch him pretty closely, but he really likes sitting in it. She also got him a play tray for it and a stroller for us to take him on walks. I am really excited for warmer weather. Grandma got a lot of clothes for him too. So cute.

Time seems to be flying by so fast and yet crawling at the same time. Each day feels like it will never end but it's hard to believe its already been 9 weeks since I had Drake.

I'm so thankful for my supportive family, I feel like I would not have been able to do this on my own at all. I just don't have the patience. But I have such loving and supportive family that it makes it a lot easier. Plus, as you can see from the pic, Drake is one smiley baby! That helps out a lot.

Mom also bought some rice cereal for Drake and a new bottle. The bottle is so perfect! It's a fast flow nipple, but a wide mouth bottle, and he doesn't spill a single drop while he is eating. Compared to his other bottles, in which he spills almost half the bottle with a slow flow nipple, it's completely and totally amazing. As well as a huge money saver.

The rice cereal really helps to stretch the time between feedings, he's such a big eater that we were going through formula so quickly, its a relief to not have to feed him every 30 minutes lol

In fact, he went to sleep at 8pm tonight and only woke one time for a feeding (at 11) usually he is up every hour from midnight through 4 am for a feeding.

I think my pills might be working, because I find myself more happy these days. I don't know if my parents are being so nice and buying things for Drake because they want to spoil him or if it's to help me feel better, or both, but I appreciate it all the same. I am really lucky to have their help.

update

My grandma came over today and she said "that's the first time I've seen you smile, when I mentioned I did your dishes."

I appreciate the hard work, what can I say? :)

No, really, I am feeling better. I really enjoyed the company and having someone to talk to, other than the baby. I am still way too cooped up I think. I'm going bonkers being at home all the time. My mom said it's like a prison sentence the first few years being a stay at home mom, and yeah, it totally is.

Not that I don't love my cell mates but every once in a while, I'd like to go to the prison yard for a little fresh air, know what I'm sayin'?

I'd really love to get a job outside of the home. I think that is what I really need. Although right now it's not exactly going to work out that way, but I can dream, can't I?

Someday.

One thing I am really excited for is to see the Hunger Games movie. Do you know how rare it is that I actually want to watch a movie? Let alone watch a movie in theaters? On opening day?!

Ah, yeah, so it's a pretty big deal for me. I re-read all of the books.

I tried to read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. UGH . Do not want. I'm not going to bash the book, but I just didn't like it. It wasn't at all what I was expecting.

I did download 125 Brain Games for Babies. My opinion? Meh.

Drake wants to sit up all the time now. I am going to have to get him a Bumbo chair. He likes the bouncy one we have too, so that helps. Also, if you stick your tongue out at him enough times, he will do it back! He also smiles when you smile, and he can wave his arm if you wave first. He's learning things! It's more fun now that he can do that.

Sleep

I've not been getting enough of it. I don't know if I am genuinely tired (probably) or still suffering the effects of depression (likely) but I am seriously lacking sleep.

Drake, on the other hand, has been soaking up sleep like a sponge. My parents and grandma must have really worn him out. He was on a no-napping schedule for awhile, being awake all day, until 9 pm, in which he would sleep until 9am, only waking up to eat and be changed.

Today he took 2 naps, and then fell asleep promptly at 7, almost completely on his own. He slept until 3, before he woke up to eat. He's back down now, at 4. Brian is barely staying awake. It's time for some sleep for him. Me, I'll try to sleep, but it seems like when everyone is sleeping peacefully in the house, thats the time I can't seem to fall asleep myself.

Maybe I'll take half a Xanax.

Anyway, we're doing okay here. Drake is happy and smiling, Brian is finally feeling the benefits of fatherhood, and I am doing alright. I keep trying and that's the important thing.  I'm hoping this depression goes away soon. I miss being happy. The only thing that makes me smile right now is Drake, so hopefully it means things are on the up and up with me.

Ohhhh I miss blogging. I wish I had something to say.

xx

Weigh In Week #6

Hard to believe it's been 6 weeks already. I am down 1 lb, which is pretty amazing considering I didn't track all week and it's that time. Ugh.

Last night was a rough night. I had terrible heart burn and couldn't get comfortable. I barely slept a wink. Eventually, it went away.

Down 4 pounds. Weee!


Not much else to report. Onward and downward.

babbling

Drake's home from the Grandparents'. Those two days flew by. I didn't do anything except read and sleep while he was gone.

I am on day 4 of my Paxil. I think it's working? but it will probably take a few weeks for full effect. I'm .... ok. I laugh more now. That's always good.

Drake's diaper rash seems to be getting better, or so everyone says. To me it looks worse, but I'd never seen anything like it. Before he had bumps, like acne. Now his skin looks like it's peeling. Maybe that's what it does when it dries out? It's not red or anything. He seems to like it when I rub Vaseline on him. Actually he just likes being changed in general, which is so weird. I always thought babies hated being naked and getting changed, but he lays very still and smiles the whole time. Of course, if I take too long he gets a little squirmy and kicks his legs a lot as if to say "hurry up, woman!" so I try to keep it short.

I don't know what my parents and grandma do to him, but it definitely wears him out. He took a nap after they dropped him off for like an hour, then fell asleep at 7. Poor little tyke was so tired, he was actually rubbing his eyes. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

He sleeps really good in his crib now. I thought we would have a harder transition period than we did. I'm so lucky. Of course, initially he has to be swaddled to fall asleep. If he comes unswaddled in his crib, he's okay. He's not quite to the point where he can put himself to sleep on his own, but if he wakes up, he can drift back off.

I never have anything interesting to talk about any more. Baby butts and nap times. I'm such a ... well, a mom.

It's alright, I like it :)

Brian got a website commission. I am not exactly sure what the guy is paying Brian to do. The guy is supplying his own graphics. I think Brian is going to code the website and also update it? Meh, who cares. It's basically free money. Coding is the easy part. He doesn't even want animations or flash. Just a nice looking, text based website.

I keep thinking about the Hunger Games. God, what a great trilogy that was. I want to re-read it. I want to see the movie.

I got a new book from the library called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Sounds fun.

Driving

Today I did something awesome: I learned how to drive our stick shift car.

Oh yes. I did pretty good, according to Brian. I only scared him once. Pretty good, eh? (I scared him by forgetting that there was a brake.)

It takes a fair amount of coordination, none of which I have, but after a while, I did it. I only stalled out in the parking lot 3 or 4 times, and by the time I had the confidence to go around the block (twice) I didn't stall out at all! I did, however, jerk a lot as I shifted gears. But meh, no biggie.

I'm VERY proud of myself. I wasn't even scared. Isn't that funny? Maybe my Paxil makes me a little more daring. Or maybe it's because Brian was right there so I was able to be completely relaxed. Or maybe, I just DID IT for once, instead of over thinking it.


I don't know. But it was fun! I want to try again.

I can now add that to my list of things I can do, drive a stick. :)

A small update.

I got on an anti-depressant. Three months, then back for an evaluation.

My doctor says that some people are just more sensitive to others, so other people's moods can greatly affect me. I agree- my mom has always called me "overly sensitive". It's not a bad thing, she says, it's just how I am.

I think I may be a little more sensitive than usual.

For example, my mom loaned me The Hunger Games trilogy (a must read!!) and I devoured the books over the last two days. However, I can't get the conflicts of the two main characters out of my head. I won't post any spoilers, but the third book really upset me. Still upsets me.

I cried after it was done. Sobbed hard, even. Tears spring to mind as I think of the book.

Of course, it's silly.

So I've spent the last two days pretty much locked in my bedroom, not interacting with my family and just sleeping the day away. Not because of the books, that would be extra silly, but I just haven't felt like interacting with anyone. Part of me feels really bad leaving Brian to handle Drake alone for hours on end, with me only coming out when I have to, so he can sleep. But most of me has the attitude of "So what? Let him see what I deal with all day, every day." He still gets more sleep than I normally would.

It's made him a little more appreciative, that's for sure. Bonus.

Anyway, Drake has a doctor's appointment today- weee he's getting shots. Someone gag me with a spoon. I don't want to go. I don't want to see them poke needles in my son. Not on the best of days, and certainly not now. I feel awful, even though I know its necessary. I'd just send Brian, to let him be the bad guy... but then I would really feel like the bad guy. Would he know that mom wasn't there to hold him? Would he be upset. These are the things that keep me up at night and drive me bonkers.

I haven't decided what I am going to do about that yet.

Plus, we are dropping Drake off at my parents today at 5, until noon Saturday.

So basically, I will have had minimal contact with my son from Tuesday through Saturday. The only time being there is when his dad is asleep or when he is getting shots. That doesn't make me feel like a very good parent. But I really need the break. Better to have a happy, healthy mom after a few days away, than a perpetually sad mom every day, right? Right. I try not to dwell. He won't remember this shit when he's older. I probably won't either lol I've got a terrible long term memory. Besides, he gets shots like every month until he's 6 months old now, or something.

Any way I'm off. Everyone enjoy your Thursday.